Sleeping to Dream

Within Myself

2007-01-27T02:41:00.000-05:00

Call it what you want. At the beginning of the year I started “The Master Cleanse” and after two days on it I found myself eating out of control. I figured I wouldn’t waste the rest of my “Grade A Maple Syrup”. I ended up putting it on the shelf and forgetting about it. For the next two weeks I ate as if I was the hungriest person alive. Late nights of whatever I can find in the cupboards and fridge consumed me. What was wrong with me? It was a combination of a woman changing at a time when she wasn‘t prepared. Depression and amongst other things, bad decisions.

So as I was saying. Over the past few weeks I’ve been eating out of control, and with each fist full of whatever, the tighter my clothes would get. Tonight however, after eating about four delicious raising cookies and four assorted shortbread cookies. I felt as if the past few weeks were literally my mind giving up control. As if my mind was saying, “Well there’s nothing we can possibly do now. We should give up and just give in to temptation”. So I lay here, gassy as all hell and actually praying in my head to be strong tomorrow. I need to stay focused and clean out my system once and for all.

I feel as if I’ve eaten two cans of refried beans with a side of black beans simmered in beans. I’ve been passing gas like this for about five hours now. A sign that tells me that my system needs cleaning, along with my mind.

The Master Cleanse calls for me to take a laxative before bed, so I drank a cup of senna tea. I’m no stranger to senna leaves. This will have me fighting for the bathroom from 7a.m - 3p.m. And so, since it is late. I will continue this tomorrow which will be day 1.

New year, Old habits

2007-01-07T03:52:00.000-05:00

Oh my god. It's been a long time since I've put my fingers to the keyboard to blog this start of the new year. It's 2007. I feel great physically. But mentally I'm insecure. Still battling with the bulge while my sister battles with beating guys off with a stick. Hahaha. I love her deeply though. I finally got a snowboard and the lack of snow is scaring the shit out of me. The lack of cold weather is by far scaring me even more. Fucking global warming is freaking me the fuck out.

I wasn't too crazy about 2006 but atleast it had snow man. However, some good things came out of '06.

1) Got a honey
2) Moved twice
3) Adopted a family
4) Best friend got off of drugs
5) Was able to afford things like Food and shelter
6) Met some cool people
7) Fell in love
8) Recovered from Myspace.com
9) Heard from some good friends
10)Thought about starting a family for once

Cheers !!!

2005-07-31T16:46:00.000-04:00

Hey Friends,

I know I haven't spoken to some of you guys in forever. I'm terribly sorry for that. Once again I've been missing in action. This tends to happen so often that I've reduced myself to sending emails every other month. I have to share some part of my life sometime. Right?

I've been dyeing to hear (or Read) what everyone's been up to. Some of you I haven't heard from in eons. Give me some dirt so I can at least feel like you guys still love me. In the mean time, I will tell you guys what's been going on with me. And I'll even share some photos.

So, my friend Tim took the high road and moved to Hawaii. How awesome is that? It's been two weeks since we last spoke as he was here with the rest of the crew hanging out at Dillon's on 54th and 7th. Yesterday something came over me.. 'Should I try his cell phone to see if it still works?' Alas, it did. It rang a couple rings and then went to voice mail.. I left him this drunken message about how much I missed him and that he sucked for moving so far away. I hung up after babbling for 3 minutes. I even broke into song before I hung up. It's so strange how people waltz into your life with such gentle breezes, then leave just as easily as they came. He left an impact on me in such a short time. Those Tuesday nights at Karaoke where he and Dave would take the mic and sing 'Bust a Move' by Young Mc. He'll do his traditional 'Ice Ice baby' before the night had ended, and we'd stumble to the train station only hoping not to pass out before our stop had arrived. When you have good friends, you just don't seem to need anything else.

He returned my call only to leave me feeling envious of his new life. "I got a tan finally" he screamed into the phone. It turns out that he's in the heart of everything and often finds himself saying "Di Plane boss" as the trees sways for the breeze. He's Tim, the one who decided to upgrade by leaving old New York City behind for the rainbow filled blue skies of Hawaii. We spent a good while on the phone recapping the good ol' days of Dillon's. As we were saying our goodbyes, the drinks I had been chucking down came rushing back up. I hung up and made a B-line to the bathroom. All hail the porcelain god.

I share a house with 6 other people. One is a Playwright ( the only guy in the house). Another is a writer ( she's got some awesome stuff ) and the rest of us are Dancers and Musicians ( My sister and I are musicians. She's the lead singer of our band and I play the Bass/Guitar and write the music ).

Our times are spent either having nervous breakdowns or singing in unison. "We love our new house" we say to our guests. It's always filled with music, laughter and once in a while... Tears. We've been each others backbones so to speak. Holding each other up above water. Is it odd that we tell each other ' I love you'? I think not.

I lost my father the same day I was moving into this place which I now call 'Home'. When things seem to go smoothly, there is always that bump in the road that makes your car spin out of control. What can I do? I can either allow the car to crash, or steer myself back on the road. I took the second option and kept on trucking. My father has taught me so much in such a short period of time. He was one of those men who gave you courage when all else fails. He was a comedian to some and a performer to millions. I still get choked up when I think of him, which is everyday. I often wonder if he's looking down on me scowling the things I know I shouldn't be doing. I miss him and the relationship we had when I was younger. I looked up to him. I still do. He was my biggest cheerleader, even when we failed to speak to one another as I got older. Cheers Dad!!

I'm leaving my job in a few weeks to pursue my dreams of becoming a performer. After my dad died, the job just felt insignificant. I'm taking my dad's modified road and I'm making it mine. I'll see you guys on the inside.

Farrah

2005-07-31T12:55:00.001-04:00

Rob, Kinnie, Gio

2005-07-31T12:55:00.000-04:00

Evie, Gio, Emily

2005-07-31T12:54:00.000-04:00

Ti, Gio, Steve, Jen, Me, Dave, Kinnie, and some other people I don't know

2005-07-31T11:26:00.000-04:00

OH my God!!! These girls are so hot... Emily and kinnie.. Damn Sexy

2005-07-31T11:25:00.001-04:00

Ti, Gio and Emily.. I think ti is wasted

2005-07-31T11:25:00.000-04:00

Kinnie and Gio

2005-07-31T11:24:00.000-04:00

Dave and Tim singing 'Bust the Move' ... Yeah Bouy

2005-07-31T11:23:00.000-04:00

The Crew gettin' down for Karaoke ( Tim's going away party)

2005-07-31T11:22:00.002-04:00

Gio and Evie

2005-07-31T11:22:00.001-04:00

GIO and Kinnie

2005-07-31T11:22:00.000-04:00

Kinnie on the chair.. I have no clew who that girl is with the mic

2005-07-31T11:21:00.001-04:00

Ti, Tim & Gio

2005-07-31T11:21:00.000-04:00

It's the Fuck-a-U crew... (Tims going away party)

2005-07-31T11:20:00.000-04:00

Emily and Brian.. Brian is up to no fucking good as always

2005-07-31T11:19:00.001-04:00

The Love birds... Ti and Gio

2005-07-31T11:19:00.000-04:00

We are just so nasty... Me and Ti ... Is lisa just in awesome or surprised

2005-07-31T11:14:00.001-04:00

GIO.... You Diva you!! Hottie

2005-07-31T11:14:00.000-04:00

Divas and Divas and Divas oh my!!!

2005-07-31T11:13:00.000-04:00

Emily and Jimmy.. Jimmy is my Homeboy!!!!! Cool kat.

2005-07-31T10:48:00.000-04:00

I love my sister Emily...

2005-07-31T10:47:00.000-04:00

Emily and Farrah... THE YANKEES WON BITCHES!!!!

2005-07-31T10:44:00.000-04:00

Gene the Machine !!!! Christian in Blue... Back of Daves Head... Coors & Budweiser was the theme of the game.

2005-07-31T10:42:00.000-04:00

Popa Poe! P.I.M.P !!! It's Dave bitches!!! Betta rec'nize...

2005-07-31T10:39:00.000-04:00

It's Tim and Chicken.

2005-07-31T10:38:00.000-04:00

Tim!!!! The new and improved Hawaii native.. He's moved to hawaii to start a life that all of us envies at the moment. I miss him so much.. He's the homiedawg!!! He better come back soon.

2005-07-31T10:32:00.000-04:00

Oy!!! Brian... This Boston Boy is the shit... It sucks that he's leaving to go to Toronto... Bastard!!!!

2005-07-31T10:25:00.000-04:00

Here is Dave.. Well one of the many Daves in my life. He's cool shit and he's constantly wearing beer or some form of Liquor... I love Dave.

2005-07-31T10:23:00.000-04:00

Kinnie on the 4th of July ... I love her... So cute.. So Southern... Sooo... Kinnie

Long Time No Blog!!!

2005-07-17T16:22:00.000-04:00

It's been such a long time since I've made an Infamous post. What can I say? Things around these parts have been truly hectic. I�ve moved from one place to another, leaving behind things that needed to be buried. In the wake of my move, I received word that my father passed away. The morning he died, I was nestled somewhat in my bed dreaming of my father and I. It wasn�t odd for me to dream of my father. The only odd thing was that in my dream, he was saying goodbye.

In my dream, I became irate and unable to hold back dream tears. I kept on asking him why it was that he was saying goodbye. He never answered. He just kept repeating goodbye as he disappeared into nothingness.

Weeks have passed since he's left his body and I�m left to pick up the pieces of my heart that has been broken by so much tragedies since 2005 has started. Yet, I've managed to compose myself at work & smile for my friends when ever they whispered in my ear "I'm so sorry to hear about your dad". I've become the 'It's okay' girl.

By now, I've learned to put on happy faces to ensure everyone that there's not a breakdown happening. Because of this, I've called on my old friend Self Mutilation to help me bring out my frustration in a more calm incognito way.

Time is spent well in my bedroom. Reading, practicing and cutting. "It's the start of a beautiful friendship", I said as the razor cut deep into my skin. I can't comprehend how life has decided to throw so many curve balls within a such short period of time. I feel no anger towards my friends as they are my Family now. I however, do feel anger towards myself as I can not help what life has to offer me.

All in all. We can't pick and choose our experiences, they just happen. Fastballs are apart of our lives and you have to swing no matter what.

Through out the turmoil, I see my sister Emily as my best friend. We've become more conjoined now that both parents are physically absent from our lives. We are each others confidante, shoulder and outlet when things get too big to handle by ourselves. We are our own parents now, looking out for each other more than before. I love her more and more each day.

My Brain hurts!!!

2005-05-04T23:40:00.000-04:00

As a child, I often wondered how I would react if my parents died. Would I cry? Would I whimper? Would I care enough to cry?..

The reason for this, well… my parents weren’t what you called parent material. I have a mother who took pride in her sons and left her three daughters to basically fend for themselves. When times got rough with my dad, she would receive a phone call from my older sister. My sister fearing for her life, while living with my father, cried to my mother over the years. All my mother would say was, just hang in there. But, what could she hang on to? A young girl, not yet a woman who has seen and gone through much more than an elderly woman. The answer she expected was something that she would never hear from my mother.

Years has passed, and even though my sisters and I have came to the conclusion that our mother in actuality would have preferred not knowing us, I was still clinging on to a thin hope that she had feelings for us. That thin hope was squashed when she revealed that “LOVE DOES NOT PLAY A FACTOR WHEN IT COMES TO HER DAUGHTERS”. On any giving day, I would have just shrugged it off as something she would say out of anger, but the look in her eyes had hit me. She was telling the truth. Nothing but the truth, so help me god.

As the day progressed and my eyes had became a pale pink. I had that thought again. Would I really cared if she died tomorrow? With the information I received from her mouth, why should I care. I became a motherless child in a split second. Thoughts of changing my name to not reflect hers flooded my brain. I wanted to disconnect myself from her. At least I still had my dad.

My dad. The joker, the smoker. Part-time parent and full-time musician. He was a educated musician druggie who could concentrate like no other. He’s my father when he’s around. I haven’t seen him over the years, but on Monday I thought about him. “well”, I said to myself. “Well, since I no longer have a mother, at-least I still have a father“. Today he suffered another stroke, his fourth I believe. This one has left him paralyzed on one side of his body. He’s lost his memory and basically doesn’t know who he is. I lost him today.

Now, as I sit here, I’ve realized that I’ve lost both my parents in one week. One, who doesn’t care who I am, and the other who doesn’t know who I am. I’ve become an orphan over the span of three days and I can definitely say that it hurts. My older sister makes it a point to call me everyday now to say that she loves me. I like that. I tell her that I love her and I honestly feel and hear the love in her voice.

I am now feeling anger towards my mother. She left us with our father when we were kids to find herself ‘per say’. She got her hands on us when we were becoming teenagers. At this time, we’ve already grown into ourselves and the need for a mother was no longer there. She thrust herself upon us until our guards were let down, just to let us down in return.

In some ways I would say that It would hurt if she died. But just for a little while.

"He was MASTURBATING officer!!!!"

2005-05-01T01:18:00.000-04:00

Something incredible?!

I once saw a man masturbate on the subway. Well, I shouldn’t say once per say, it’s more like something that happens once every couple months. It’s funny how some men are afraid to ‘choke’ the chicken in front of their significant other, while there are some who wants nothing more than to have a couple dozen people look at them in amazement.

I brought this up because once again, I was granted the permission to see a man do this to himself, while riding the subway home. Instead of saying “gross” or “ewww”. I thought to myself, “wow, this man has some guts”. I mean, my ex who I knew did this on a regular before I came in the picture, was afraid to do it in front of me. If I pulled a double shift at work, he would spend quality time choking the chicken. So, why was it so hard for him to do it in front of me?

‘We had sex everywhere. With or without an audience. I am one of those people who took public displays of affection and ran with it. I was free loving of him. He was just beginning to come into himself sexually, and maybe I pushed him too hard, too fast.’

I remember him asking me to pleasure myself while he watched. Me, being the free willing person that I am, I gladly flicked away. He sat there with his eyes focused on me. His smile as wide as my legs, his intentions to get close to me were easily dismissed as I slapped his hands away. His attempts to help me finish something that I started were shunned. He sat there with his eager smile wondering when it would be his time. Inside I laughed, as if to show him that it’s no big deal to do this in front of someone other than yourself.

This is where the tables turned. I called him over to the bed and said to him in a raspy voice. “Now your turn”. For a while he looked as if he was about to be the happiest man on the planet. That look was easily wiped away. He became embarrassed. He knew what I was asking, what I was saying to him. I wanted him to masturbate in front of me. He laid on the bed, posed himself and began to touch. He sighed. He looked disturbed, as if it was to taboo to do in front of me, like it was this little dirty secret that men do. He then turned to me and said, “ I can’t. Not in front of you”.

When I asked him why, he couldn’t answer. I ended up killing the mood that night, and from then on, I never asked him to do that again.

Towards the end of our relationship, in one of his desperate attempts to keep me, he did it. He laid next to me, kissed my lips and then slid his hand down the covers. For a few minutes he laid there, stroking and moaning. Then, he released. I was amazed, and I smiled. Smiling was something that I hadn’t done in weeks before that night. He looked at me and said nothing, but I knew what he was thinking. ‘See, I’ve done it, now would you stay?’ I went to sleep shortly after that, and from what I could tell the next morning, he had been crying silently. He knew the relationship was over, and his attempts to keep me were too little too late.

I didn’t pull away from him because he was ashamed to touch himself in front of me, but his insecurities did played a factor. He was most secretive throughout our relationship. He became withdrawn most times and every time I tried to talk to him, he walked out of the room. I didn’t expect much from him, just partnership.

I recently spoke to him over the phone. Promises of one day meeting up to have lunch. I did ask him why it all ended up the way it did between us. Why it took the end of our relationship for him to finally open up and expose himself to me.

( The last week of our relationship, he talked to me all the time. He told me things that I never could have guessed. He had let me into his memories, made me share his triumphs and downfalls. But by then, the damage was done. He had spent so much time hiding himself from me, that when he did open up, it was as if I was meeting him for the first time. I fell in love with him all over again, and fell out of love with him for the second time. )

He replied by saying how young he was. That even though I wasn’t his first partner, I became the one who made him feel the need to explore different avenues. He felt threatened, as if I would have led him down the wrong road. The night he masturbated in front of me, he was just starting to understanding that I wasn’t trying to steer him wrong, but was only trying to make him more aware of who he was.

As I sat on the train, with this man tugging with all his might to relieve himself. I found that this act that so many of us know so well, can become something most of us would go our lives denying. Yes, as the train pulled into the station, the man got up, folded his news paper and high tailed it out of the train. I sat there with a few others smiling, while a middle aged lady followed him out shouting so loud “That man was masturbating on the train officer”. The last thing I saw were two cops pursuing him and then the doors closed. The train moved off, and I was on my way home.

An Update yay!!

2005-04-24T00:11:00.000-04:00

I’ve been meaning to make an Entry since last week. I’ve been on the go everyday and had no time to actually stop to smell the air. My body decided to stop me by shutting down this week. It all started on Tuesday. I got to work, click on my computer and boom!!! My stomach felt like an anchor that was scraping the bottom of a sea. I tried to put it out of my head. I cracked jokes with everyone until about 12pm. Everything around me felt distant, It was quiet, very much unlike the environment I’ve gotten used to. As I looked over, I noticed that it really wasn’t quiet. People were talking, laughing and the phones were ringing. I noticed that I was the one being silent. It didn’t take long before the pain in my gut consumed every fiber of my being. I left work a short while after and headed home to seek out some sort of comfort. Unfortunately, I got no sort of solace. I laid in bed feeling too weak to eat, and in too much pain to sleep. I tried various things to help sooth what ailed me, but nothing would work. I finally swallowed my pride and turned to the only person that may know a thing or two about stomach aches that have gone fatal. My Mother.

Her remedy, rum and bitters… To the general public, they would say : What the fuck?. I said the same thing when she led me down that path, but I was in some serious pain and would try anything once. I grabbed the rum, the bitters and poured away. It took me a full three minutes before I gulped down the concoction. My insides felt as though they were on fire. I took a step back and almost lost my balance. I thought this shit was supposed to make me feel better, not drunk. I pulled myself back into bed and laid there with my eyes opened, my head spinning. There was something tugging onto every muscle in my stomach and as I laid there, I went over everything possible avenues of why my body would give out like this.

Weeks before, I cut my sleep time by 3 hours a night. I drank coffee during the day, and were too tired to eat anything big when I got home. I stayed up until 1 am every night, but not by choice. I was so wired from the day that even when I confine myself to my bed at 11pm, I would do every else but sleep. Two weeks ago, my neck, back and sides were in pain. I did the BENGAY and ICY HOT thing, but nothing. I sat at work feeling sluggish and weak. A week before my stomach overhaul, I was in a deep sleep. I shot up in my bed. My legs were stiff, I was unable to move them. The pain was so bad that I started to cry real tears. This lasted for a whole ten minutes, then as quick as it came, it left. I went back to sleep only to hear my alarm go off. Throughout the day, I felt them going numb, but not to the point to actually send me to the doctors office.

Which brings me back the Tuesday. I laid in bed still staring at the sealing. The pain had came to a halt. It was gone.

I’ve realized that once you’ve gotten older, your parents are no longer responsible for you. They aren’t there to check up to see if you’ve eaten that day, and when your body starts to shut down, you battle with yourself to make the phone call to your parents that might be able to help.

At 27 years of age, I’ve thought of myself as an independent person. I make money, pay my bills and find myself taking action in my life when ever it’s called for. Though this would be considered as independent, there were others things I failed to keep track of. Like not eating healthy or at all, not getting enough sleep to carry me through the day. Not caring when my body shows warning signs of shutting down.

It’s now Saturday night. I’m unable to pick myself up and go out into the world, unable to sit with friends and laugh the night away. On this Saturday night, I’m home trying desperately to undo all the bad things I’ve done to my body over the month. I’m not guilt ridden tonight. I’ve realized that this body can do so much, if given the right tools. But once those tools are taken away, this body can hold you down and chances of a recovery might not be too good. At least staying home meant that I would get some music work done. Failed attempts to the lead singer has failed, but anyhow, I’ve managed to write some bass music to a song we’ve been working on. I know when she hears this, she’s going to flip out in glee.

My sister, who is the lead singer, have been swamped like I have been these past couple weeks. I don’t hold it against her if she sleeps through the ringing of her cellular. I have to admit that I’ve done that a few times this month. Anyway, if it wasn’t for the body shut down, I wouldn’t have made some headway on the writing bit. I guess all things happens for a reason.

End Entry.

2005-04-16T21:57:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to dip in and make a brief post. Nothing too much.. Work is kicking my ass big time and I'm too tired to even type.. So I hope everyone is doign their thing.. Shakin their asses..

Drinks all around

2005-03-23T14:01:00.000-05:00

Oh wow…
So what can I say about Tuesday.. FAT TUESDAY…. I got wasted… Fell ‘in-like’ and Fell out ‘of-Like’ all in seconds…
So, here’s the facts.. Tuesday nights @ Dillions lounge… Karaoke from 10pm - 3am. I saw a guy, and I drooled big time. He had a girl with him, so I thought the obvious.. Turned to my friend Dave and said that I was having impure thoughts… Turned to my sister and said “Holy shit he’s hot” … She replied, “I think he’s gay”… He proved her wrong and I right.. He wasn’t gay, and from what I could see, his tongue was down her throat, so yes it was his girlfriend. I found out his name. We talked for a few. I found out his age… That’s when I fell ‘out of-like’ with him, too young, but so fine..
I just love it when a plan comes together… Sunofabitch….

Rocker Looks My Way?

2005-03-21T13:12:00.000-05:00

Am I seriously troubled?. What makes me tick? Not much and sometimes too much.. Friday night, the Rocker on stage glances my way a couple of times as I snapped away with my digital camera. Why would he look my way? I’m not a size 2, 4 or even a 6.. I suffer from some form of low self-esteem I guess. I wore a shamrock t-shirt covered by a leather jacket, some jeans and sneakers and hardly any makeup. Yet, his eyes kept on veering over to me, and as he did, I snapped away, so he was unable to look me in the eyes.

For a brief moment, I thought that he actually saw the pain in my eyes and wanted me to know that he also felt that way. Of course, to others in the crowd (if you’re reading this) would think me mental, but I did say that I was troubled, didn’t I? Not crazy, just troubled … It’s a price that comes with living here. You’re either going crazy or you’re born with some form of craziness.. As he strut his stuff on stage, I saw my alter ego up there. He’s who I am when I’m over confident, happy and seem to have dropped 5 pounds in a week..

As the beautiful ( and I mean BEAUTIFUL) girls dance around me, I felt a bit of happiness when he looked my way.. But of course, he could have been looking at someone else and in the end … the rocker looking at me, could have been my imagination..

More often, Life is getting harder to swallow!!

2005-03-06T20:53:00.000-05:00

As if the world itself has Fazed me out. I sit in a crowded room, talking to various people, but I still feel as if no one hears me or even sees me. I've become that dirty dishrag that no one seems to want to touch or throw away. What makes others wake up and tell themselves that Today will be the day they make a difference? I want that. I want that way of thinking. Mind you, I've had those thoughts, those sudden urges to burst into song and dance only to turn my head and see that another person read my thoughts and decided to steal them.

Outside seems sunny and full of life. Even in the winter I couldn't have ever imagined such a beautiful day. But as I stepped out into the world just minutes after watching the sunny day from my window, it became dark and grey with no one but trash lying effortlessly on the ground. Call this one of my low days, or call this one of my many low years. Just when I thought being back here would complete me; it throws a curve ball and sucker punches me in the face.

----Random? Here's what I call random. I love the taste of pepperoni, but today for some depressed reason, the same meat taste like it's been rinsed with dial antibacterial soap.----

I have writers block. I haven't written a song in god knows how long. I hear words in my head and attempt to transfer them on paper, but I always end up with dark thoughts. Not thoughts of causing physical harm to others or myself (god forbid, I might be going through a depressing time, but I'm not that depressed), but merely the thought that one day facing my fears would come true. Here I thought that being an adult would bring merry days and nights with friends, a posh apartment, and windows that never seem to let the cold in.

I thought about what it would take to make me happy. I’m still at a lost. A friend told me a couple days ago. “You need a guy”. I said “I agree, but what would be the point?” Maybe my answer that ended with a question wasn’t the best way to go. She went into this whole thing about the significance of men. As if I didn’t know. That’s when I blurted out “I DON’T BELIEVE IN LOVE”. As if I had just shunned the only thing that made us human. She was startled and was taken aback. I couldn’t rephrase it or sugar coat it in any other way. This is how I felt … and I guess … how I still feel. Mind you, I did believe in it when I was in my teens and early 20s. I guess after giving out pieces of my heart so many times and not having it given back, makes me fresh out of having anymore left to give.

Her eyes swelled, as if she was not looking at her close friend, but a stranger. I was no longer my happy jolly self. I had no more inner spirit, and looking into my eyes could not tell any more stories. I was no longer human in her eyes and I guess I also felt that way about myself. Even though I cry like others, I lack the strength to pin point where I went wrong and how to exactly fix it.

For this, I’ve closed myself off (the heart part). I no longer speak of my problems for fear that it would just irritate the ones I tell. I write this Blog every now and then with the intention to remember this feeling when I’m once again happy and able to return to the heartfelt world some people see as “LOVE” “IN LOVE” & Brighter days. This blog, whether you’ve tripped on into it by accident, or was referred to it by a friend as some joke, this is me. No Pricy t-shirts with meaningless quotes or designs (from websites or stores for 29.99 – 150 bucks a pop, because I’m too broke to even by one for $10 as it is!!), just your ordinary girl who on her good days, writes about the love she thinks everyone wants to hear without knowing what it really feels like. Yep, just your ordinary girl who shuns off the “L” word even though deep down inside she would love for a guy to stand outside her door in the pouring rain with roses.

Hungry

2005-03-03T10:36:00.000-05:00

Hey all.. I haven’t posted in a while.. I spent some time in Mattituk Long Island visiting one of my best friends. I was away from the internet, Television ( due to the fact it’s a very new house with nothing in it) Radio, and the noise that the city brings. It was beautiful, Leafless trees standing tall in a sea of snow. We were right on the lake and everything just seemed so calm. It was like being in Minnesota all over again, but I yearned for the city after a few days. The busyness of the hustle and bustle of the city streets. Any way, I’m back, away from the quiet, away from my thoughts. Bye bye Long Island, hello nyc cuties…

Stop comparing

2005-02-15T11:22:00.000-05:00

You make the comparison between the celebrities you would love to know. Whether having them as friends or lovers. I dare not say who would be mine because many who know me, would say “duh”. Well, you make the comparison between the celebrities you would love, and the everyday janes and Joes. You’re in relationships where you would trade the regular jane and joes for the celebrity any day. What happens when you finally see that “regular Joe” as the only one? In my case it happens. I’d love this guy with every fiber of my being. I want to share everything with this guy. He’s the one I think of constantly . The thought of him clouds every thought of any celebrity. I could be walking the streets with him and come across the ultimate celebrity. In any other relationship where only 50% of me is concentrating on loving my significant other. I would have made a comparison or a trade, but not with this “regular Joe” whom I love with a whole 150%, fuck it, 200%. He became my celebrity without him being known to the outside world.

When it comes down to it. Most times, (in my case) the regular joes need not to be compared to celebrities. They are more authentic than you think. From the first time you meet, to the time when you slowly find out who the person is. I love that.

2005-02-15T10:48:00.000-05:00

SEAN "Oh, I'm a begger now".. After being released from the hospital, sean was still messed in the head. I mean, why wouldn't he be? Years after all that acid made him see the devil, and bob as jesus. It was sad to see someone in this stage.

2005-02-15T10:33:00.000-05:00

Matthew Lillard aka Stevo & Michael Goorjian aka BOB

2005-02-15T10:29:00.000-05:00

This is by far the BEST movie ever. The scene here is one of the funniest. If you've ever tripped out, you'll relate to this scene somewhat.. Why somewhat? Because Devon Sawa aka Sean ( the kid in the back with the fucked up green spiked hair). He was selling sheets of acid. While being chased by a security guard, sean hauled ass through the school lawn, but the sprinklers were on. The water soaked seans pants which in turn soaked the acid through to seans legs. Sean was fucked.. He thought that the devil was trying to kill his mom, who was staring out the window at Bob and sean.. "Too Much acid" I think not.. But in his case "yes" it was too much. Sean thought that Michael A. Goorjian aka BOB, was JESUS. Why? because in seans diluted much needed state, Bob was walking on water. Hence, bob as Jesus. If you noticed the little steeping stool that sean is balancing on, I took it as his little island. Sean was no jesus, so his ability to walk on water was not an option, hence the reason why he looked at bob as Jesus.

I LOVE THIS FUCKING MOVIE

2005-02-15T09:58:00.000-05:00

SLC PUNK!!!!

The Beauty of Jupiter One.

2005-02-08T21:20:00.000-05:00

I ventured out to see Jupiter One perform at Pianos last night.. The night was young and I've been pressed for smokes and cash for the past couple weeks. I brought my best friend with me to see some real talent. What can I say about Jupiter One that I haven't already expressed? These guys have inspired me to not only listen to the person within me, but to follow through on something others may not see as valid. Jupiter One consist of five members, K (Lead singer & Multi Talented), Mocha ( Violinist, vocals & Mastermind), Neal ( The Bass & MC with the most skills), Zac (Guitar, keyboard & Vocals w/Great hair) & Dave ( Drums, This guy is pure bad ass). Upon meeting them, you can't help but notice the ear to ear smiles these guys boasts. It's contagious even if you're like me, the person who laughs even when she's not high ( even though I have a natural high, I sometimes take the good stuff to boost it a bit).

As I snapped away with my camera, the vibe is almost euphoric. Everyone who've been able to see them play at these venues have either been friends of the band, or friends of friends of the band. Either way, the crowd seems to be growing larger with each up-coming show, and I almost feel special when I'm greeted by them. When ever I get the opportunity to see these guys perform, I can't help feeling that something big is in store for them in the near future. They are truly talented and beautiful. It's all about ..JUPITER ONE

P.S. By the By, I'm so lazy to do a spell check so huh..

2005-02-08T21:18:00.000-05:00

Neal is in the zone. He almost resembles Ian sheridan with the faces, but Ian can't rap for shit, or can he?

2005-02-08T21:16:00.000-05:00

Dave rockin' out

2005-02-08T21:13:00.000-05:00

The crowd for Jupiter One

LIQUOR, LIQUOR, LIQUOR mmmm Liquor

2005-02-05T03:46:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned that this post is about my love for the good stuff? Not that I'm a heavy drinker or anything. It's just when I drink (every now and again), I really drink..

I haven’t drank liquor in two weeks. I’m yearning for a beer, Mai Tai, Alabama Slammers, Martinis, Rum and Coke, Irish Creme. Everything. Some have dreams of one day meeting their celebrity crushes, not I. I dream about how much I can drink and how many people I can hump in the process.. I never seem to do the humping part. I guess even at my Drunkest peak, I’m never dumb enough.

Anyway, I took a nap at the worst part of the day. Now, I’m up and god help me, I need to do back to sleep..

“Looks like Saturday over dem deer deer hills”

2005-01-31T02:44:00.000-05:00

DMB from so long ago

2005-01-31T02:11:00.000-05:00

It's all about Jupiter One ... Next Performance is @ Pianos in Nyc Feb.7th 2005 http://www.pianosnyc.com/

2005-01-31T02:07:00.000-05:00

It's all about Jupiter One ... Next Performance is @ Pianos in Nyc Feb.7th 2005 http://www.pianosnyc.com/

2005-01-30T19:44:00.000-05:00

All about Toca Rivera, Jason Mraz & Steve Lillywhite

2005-01-30T19:37:00.000-05:00

Kareoke Night @ Dillons Lounge

2005-01-30T19:35:00.000-05:00

It's all about Kareoke Night @ Dillons Lounge NYC

2005-01-30T19:29:00.000-05:00

It's all about KEANE

Sunday

2005-01-30T19:02:00.000-05:00

It's Sunday night. It's not too cold, actually the snow is beginning to melt in these parts. I've slept through the majority of the day due to not feeling well. Everywhere hurts. My stomach, head, just everywhere is in pain. I managed to hold down some food, but now the stomach is twisting in all kinds of directions.

I picked up my guitar earlier and couldn't get passed a few chords before keeling over in pain.. I know I'll regret this tomorrow when I'm feeling better, (If I'm feeling better that is)but I need to practice all I can before summer so I can finally start looking into the whole band thing..

So here I am, laid up in bed with the warmth of the laptop soothing my tummy.. I think I'll fall asleep again or think about hot guys.. Huh, which ever comes first...

think think think cuties... Chris Carrabba :)

Sleeping to dream

2005-01-22T03:29:00.000-05:00

The day had seemed like a dream. I was floating most hours and forgot that I was actually awake.

I have days like this ( about three days out of the week) where I would answer my ringing phone and wondered to myself, " Did I call them, or did they call me". I was in a day dream perhaps and picked up the phone unaware that it was actually ringing in reality.

So it's way past midnight and you know what? It felt good staying indoors. It was blistering cold out and my little leather jacket just could not take the journey from the Bronx to Brooklyn or Manhattan tonight. The original plan was to meet up with my sis milly at her house, to watch sci-fi "night of premiers". Yes, I'm a big Stargate SG1 & Atlantis fan, but as I stepped out to smoke a cig, I felt the cold in all it's glory.. Oh no, it's nothing like the 50 something below Zero Minnesota was feeling this past week, but it was cold enough to keep my black ass in the house.

I miss Minnesota though. It was beautiful. Much slower paced and friendly. Camping out with my friends or Ice fishing on the lake. It's something out of a story book. I had moved there to concentrate on my studies (I was doing really terrible in NYC) and even though I had yearned to see New York again, I was hesitant once I left Minnesota. So hesitant that instead of driving to Nyc, I drove to Ft. Lauderdale. I stayed there two years.. Two horrible years..

Anyway, as I walk around indoors, it's frigid and grey. I said to myself.. "where the hell in Summer man?"

Caught Between Two Blogs

2005-01-16T07:53:00.000-05:00

I've often wondered if anyone really reads this. As if my back ground pic wouldn't come close to the other Template savy users. I've chosen this 'NYC at night' backdrop as how I see the city, at night. And now that the weather is not so great, I walk the streets with my head burried in my scarf as I make my way to Dillons Lounge. I've become a regular 'Jane' there at night because my sister works her magic there. It's like Cheers really, where everyone knows my name and I can't seem to remember any of theirs. I took my bestfriend Abby there friday night for some good ole drinking.. Suffice to say that she got piss drunk by the end of the night, or was it the beginning of the morning? Hmmm. So, the night starts out with me sipping an 'Oatmeal Cookie' drink. Wow, was that bad boy strong. It was so strong that even an hour later, I was still sipping that same bloody drink. I sat there feeling the buzz, I was swept away feeling almost nostalgic of times when I was too drunk to realize where I was and how I came to be there. I've toned down much since the days of underage drinking and I had assumed that others around me had done the same. Not a chance. I periodically looked over at abby to she how she was doing. Her eyes were getting lower and lower. Yeah she was feeling it. Inside I was laughing, she honestly never tries to control herself when it comes to the pimp juice. Poor thing, I've been there done that and I've got the sneakers.

As the night went on, Rich came through with his buddy Mike from BAASTAN!! (Booo hahaha Cough!). I met Rich through my sister a couple weeks back. Rich is in love with sis, I think it's cute, more like puppy love, Aww. So, as I made jokes and toasted to new unions, I looked over at Mike and was in awe. He boasted very thick eye-brows neatly trimmed (No Unibrow for this cool cat)and a button down shirt that would make the ladies so Ooo. We chatted it up mike and I, but I was concerned about abby, was she feeling a bit lonely? No way.. Alan, who is a regular at Dillons Lounge, found his way over to her and was doing some heavy flirting. He's darling. A sweet guy for a sweet girl, you know?!. He made a comment to me about her. "I really like her, she's pretty" he said. I replied, "I know, isn't she?". So, I'm on the side bar with my new BAASTAN! friend Mike and we're rapping old skool raps to each other (not rapping as who has the best come on lines, but real old skool rhymes. They were playing A Tribe called Quest), I looked so amazed as we stepped to each other finishing the sentences of rhymes to Biggies 'Big Popa' that he looked at me and said " what? you didn't know white boys could rap?". I gave him this blank look and we began rapping again. The words that we were spitting was from the old and the new, but inside my head I was rhyming my own stew. In my mind I was saying with rhymes

"Gimme tha mic so I can bring it back two times. I see ya scoping me from the corners of my eyes. Don't be skerd, you know I got you open. A penny for yo thoughts and two dollahs for a token. Step to me and you'll feel ya back breakin', no mistaking cause I can bring home the bacon. Rightnow, I'm not ya homie ya lova or ya friend, so watch what ya say to me or you'll feel ya neck spin. Oh no! Is this a crush that I'm feeling? Homeboy is stealing rhymes from the deceased and I'm feeling him."

We spent the majority of our time cracking jokes to one another. Once in a while my sister looked sideways to see us acting like Eric B and Rakim. Good times, but it came to an end when Rich was just too wasted to stay up so he had to leave, taking Mike with him (sucked). We said our goodbyes and that was that. I met a new friend and that was all that mattered. As he walked out the door I wondered, will I ever see hiim again? Maybe, maybe not..

So, it became that time where Em, abby and I should start heading back to Brooklyn. Since abby was still chatting it up with Alan, Em and I made our way to the back bathroom to do some yapping. I told her that I liked Rich and that I can definitely see them together, but she made it clear that she is still in love with another (Bummer). Maybe she'll see him in a different light soon which will benefit me. The more he's around, the more chances I get to see Mike, my new homie again.

Okay, so this is my stop.. I'm out..

Dillons Lounge!!

Random

2005-01-12T07:42:00.000-05:00

I was too tired to keep my eyes open yesterday. I saw The Incredibles Monday night. Omg!!! It was awesome, I never laughed so hard or saw such meaning in the form of animation before..

I wish I had super powers.. You know, the kind of powers that made me repel bad debt or calories. More so calories.

Pretty random? Huh… yeah

Avalanche In California?

2005-01-09T11:15:00.000-05:00

"What?" I looked up at the screen. I'm currently finding things to donate to the victims of the tsunami.

When I think of Cali, I think of Mega waves and guys running around topless. Okay not so much topless guys, but the beautiful Ocean, Sunny skies and people walking around with uber cups of Starbucks coffee with the effort to look somewhat intellectual, comes to mind.

I keep informed whenever I turn the channel. "AVALANCH?" I screamed at the Tele. "How the hell did that happen?". I've always been jealous of the beautiful Californians with their sunny tans ( some from a bottle and some over done ), but today I felt no jealousy, just sorry. Sorry that this had to occur. It goes to show you that no matter how much we try to prevent, we can't prevent mother nature. Mother nature gives and takes when she feels that it's time, “I know we haven‘t forgotten the Earth Quakes in California over the decades. Look what she did in South Asia. Which brings me to this, Over 150,000 killed by mother nature with one incident, and as I rush through the house trying to find gently used clothes, can goods and pretty much everything I could get my hands on to send in desperation to help, I think "What's next?".

I live on a land that under water, looks like Swiss Cheese ( Wisconsin Swiss Cheese ), so I think. I get people saying "an earthquake will never hit NYC", Oh Tushay, I think it can. We are an accident waiting to happen, and like we have seen in past couple of weeks, we are not special in any way. Mother nature could have us collapse with in one swipe of her wrath. I shake that thought and focus on the present and the future of the survivors of this terrible tragedy. I don't expect everyone to help out, but I would like to think you would be human enough to feel compassion.. For all who want to help out here is a link American Red Cross
UNICEF
Habitat For Humanity

Random Rambling

2005-01-06T22:06:00.000-05:00

Last night I was dreaming. I was dreaming that I was running through the subways. You know those dreams where it seems so real that you could actually smell and feel the things around you? It was like that.. Lucid … In my dream, I got a phone call from a friend that said to meet him at the Knitting Factory. I told him “give me a half hour and I’m there”. I headed to the subway as usual but instead of hopping on the train, I hopped on the tracks and started my journey. Throughout the dream, this didn’t seem odd to me. I was walking along side NYC grown rats and they seemed to not mind me being here. My cell rang and It was James asking where I was.. 1) no one gets reception in the subways period, and 2) I was hearing two other voices coming from behind me.. I told him that I’m a couple stations away and that I’ll be there in a few. I turned to see where the voices were coming from but saw no one. The voices became clear. One guy ask the other guy about him dressing up as a bear and going out to shoot the crap with his fans without them knowing it’s him. The other guy chuckled and made a comment, then there was laughter. I laughed too.. The dream ended.

I awoke at 2 something and saw that the voices I had heard was that of Carson Daley and John Mayer. You know, honestly, I heard John call Carson fat in my dream.. Did he actually say that? That kid John is hilarious. I really wanted to go to the Knitting Factory though…

Don’t you hate lucid dreams? Especially when it’s something you can’t possibly have in the real world.. I’ve had these dreams where I received this large amount of money. I didn’t want to put in the bank, so I packed it away between my mattress.. When I awoke from my dream, the first thing I did was checked between the bed.. I knew it was a dream but it’s like the tooth faerie or Santa Claus or a Sweet Guy .. You know they don’t exist, but you want to believe they do. I have this money dream every couple months, all ending with me checking between the mattress. Frustrating? Yeah!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR ALL!!!!

2005-01-03T23:20:00.000-05:00

It's so nice to be in a whole new year. Yes, I know that I'm a couple days late but, It's better late than never. Right?

I said goodbye to '04 like pretty much everyone else did. I was wasted way before 12 am and all too happy to take pics of us shooting the shit well after 12 am had hit. I was around friends who made every minute of bidding farewell to the year or Concerts Galore, a lot better to swallow.. We kissed, hugged and danced like fools. Most of us were retrying phone calls to locations far far away in hopes to hear a familiar voice scream back to us “HAPPY NEW YEAR”. We all were happy, and in the first couple of minutes, the new year seemed doable. None of us felt any bit older or wiser, just a little more loved. And then like that, everyone around me were dancing and laughing in slow motion. My life story was starting a new chapter. The slow motion represented the blank pages that awaits me. I felt my heart beating faster and I was a bit a dizzy. Was I going to have a panic attack here? In front of everyone? They were getting even slower and I was thinking with haste.

---------------I’m simple, never over the top with things and prefer the quite skies over fireworks. I read science fiction and almost vomit when I tried to read a romance novel. Even at 27, I still get extremely nervous when I dance with a guy. I sleep for many hours without feeling like I’ve slept the day away. I love coffee but I’m now forcing myself to love tea. I don’t consider myself beautiful, just pretty enough to get by. I love laughing with my friends, and I love my 15 year old nephew more than words can say. Some say it’s because he’s my family, some say that it’s because he’s a Cancer sign and we mesh well. I laugh when someone farts, snorts and do old 90’s dance moves.. I’m simple. I never look to take what I can get from my friends, I feel better knowing that they can take from me.---------

My heart had seemed to slow to a steady beat. The music was loud as ever and the slow motion was once more back to a regular speed. As I danced and laughed I figured to myself, ‘farewell 2004, hello ‘05’. I was feeling the glee of being intoxicated.

I found myself on the ‘D’ Train on January 1st 2005. Alone and attempting to complete a long journey back to the Bronx from Brooklyn.. Then it hit me. Its 2005.. What did I do that was so great in ‘04? What makes me want to look forward to this year? Oh my god, I can’t do this. It’s too soon.. But time waits for no-one and I was no longer drunk. It was real, ‘05 is here.

I freak out in silence, without anyone to catch me when I fall. I cried in front of an old couple who were too busy smiling cheerfully at each other as if they were just thankful to have lived to see another year approach. My whimpers succumbed to the rattling and screeches of the ‘d’ train as it made its way across the bridge. Suddenly, it becomes apparent, I am one person in a city of over 7 million and I’m scared shitless. I’m not afraid of the violence, just afraid of where this year will take me and will I be able to hack it at whatever I focus on in life.

Even though I’m afraid of this New Year. I am looking forward to many things that will keep me sane. Jason Mraz will be dropping another album THANK GOD!!!. Jupiter One will finish their record (hopefully) by the end of January, so I can buy my copy. STAR WARS is right around the corner, and now that I have gotten LOTR out of my system, I can focus more on my Harry Potter which will be released in the summer.

On the serious side of things. I plan to hug my friends and family more. End the feud between my family, Shop at the thrift stores in the village, be more driven and make sure that this place doesn‘t swallow me whole. If all goes according to plan, which they never really seem to do (but I‘m praying), I’ll ‘attempt’ to make some serious bread so I can move out to California and continue to work hard on my music.

HERE'S TO BIG IN '05 !!!!

This is a pic from NEW YEARS '05, Emily and I are stooping... We aren't short.. Dammit..

When big kids drink

2004-12-31T04:34:00.000-05:00

This is Me and Em... We were joined by Jimmy aka Fingers, who took this wonderful pic of two sisters gone mad.. According to Jimmy, we were very entertaining.. What do you expect? We drank two bottles of wine and some beers.. We were heading to the movies at 1am to see BLADE TRINITY. We had to kill time before the movie started, so we headed across the street to the Park. A couple of rounds on the slide, some swing action and the imfamous hippo straddle... Yeah... We needed help, but no one seemed to offered.. It took me a while to notice that I was freezing my ass off.. I had honestly thought that I was giving the camera 'the finger', but it was so cold that the index finger went up in error.. I love NYC!!!

Drink Be Merry and don't blame the innocent for your dunken suaveness...

~~~~Honestly, this animal was not harmed during straddling~~~~

Drunk night, Drunk Post dammit!!!

2004-12-29T05:17:00.000-05:00

So, I set off at around 9 pm tonight, well lastnight to hook up with my sister and do some serious Kareoke... Afte one drink, my sister puts my name on a piece of paper.. I was up next.. I mean, I didn't even have enough liqour in me to sing a song.. My heart was beating fast and all i can think of was the last time I performed.. It was in high school.. which I might add, has been about 10 years ago. I got up and sang Green Day... Does it really matter which song? okay, It was 'Good Riddance'..Oy!! First off.. I wasn't drunk enough to do it, but I ended up finishing the song all weak in the knees Like.. After about three rum and cokes, I was warmed up and ret' to go.. I was singing songs and doing back up vocals, I even lent my dance moves and did some back up dancing for my sis and my new friend "Feminem" aka Kimmy.. Wow.. I'm wasted.. I think I need to puke.. But before I bow down to the porceline gawd who seems to catch me when I'm falling ever so often.. I will finish this by saying.. TUESDAY NIGHTS @ DILLONS LOUNGE 8pm-9pm ( I think ) it's improv, and then from 10pm til' 2:30 am.. It's KAREOKE all the WAY BABY!!!!! Anyone should come out and wet their lips with booze and hit the mic big time.. I mean, horse shit around for hours on end.. welllll, thats about it.. For more drunk night news, Stay tuned..

DRUNK BLOGGING NEWS, You hear it ........ LAST....

ERRRRMMM, I'm the one attempting to lick my big sis... Pish tosh...

Following Through II

2004-12-13T05:29:00.000-05:00

In a sea of talented voices.. Will mine stand out?

I’ve asked myself this a million times before.. Life has it’s uncertainties. Not knowing what to expect from one moment to the next can be nerve racking.. In the end, when everything is said and done. You tell yourself that the uncertainties of it all, has been the best part. You wouldn’t change one thing about the past. That is only if you’ve come to the point in your life where you are pleased with where and who you are..

Sometimes, we get the urge to google a name. On this day, I’ve Googled and Yahoo-ed my fathers name… I typed in Clancy Eccles.. Sites after sites popped up. I guess I was checking to see if the world had forgotten him. Alas, they didn’t. It’s funny how the internet can provide you with so much information. Even on your own family. Reading up on him had almost urged me to pickup the phone and tell him all the new things I’ve read. I really did want to call him, but not to say that. I wanted to tell him how much I wanted to be like him in his days of glory. How I wanted him to shed light on this whole music thing. I wanted him to tell me that it was okay for me to follow in his footsteps. But in the end, I just couldn’t. We no longer speak.

As a child, my father was the one I wanted so much to be.. I adored his voice, his charisma for life, and his glowing burst of energy. Most of all, I was proud to be known as his daughter. He was the kind of man who would take in a child who was not so fortunate, clothed him and paid his way through private school in Jamaica. On certain weekends, I could be found laying out an a couch in a music studio high in the mountains. I would look at my father, headphones holding his dreads back while he sings, scats and dances to the rhythm. I was in awe of him. He was like a rock that only moved when it felt like doing so. He’s a pioneer of Ska/Reggae music. I wanted to be like him, but without the reggae part.. It wasn’t for me.

2004 has opened my eyes wider than ever before.. Yes, I was previously inspired by my father, but this year.. WOW.. I found myself at concerts after concerts, watching and hoping that the next time I’m at that venue, it would be me making an appearance. I mean, could I be received by the majority? Do I actually want to?. My music is from my heart and maybe, just maybe the next person listening might not get what I’m saying. I’ve come across various message boards where the most common thing you see is each person trying to out theorize the next with what they think the song actually means. It’s funny and often cool when you read all these different theories. I sit back and say to myself that even though they’ve made this one song, thousands of people get it, but in their own way, as to make it their own.

With 2004 almost a recent memory. I’ve been both shocked and inspired of all that I’ve seen and heard. My father, has giving me something that will either keep me still or shoot me into the musical unknown. He has given me some of his charisma for life, and the education in knowing that even though life has many uncertainties, being absolutely certain of anything would be stupid.

Who have inspired me in 04

(1) Raúl Midón
(2) Damien Rice
(3) Joss Stone
(4) Gavin Degraw
(5) Jupiter One
(6) Tristan Prettyman
(7) Jamie Cullum
(8) Marc Broussard

Who has inspired me over the years

(1) Dave Matthews band - Has been inspiring me since 1995 or was in ‘94?

Dashboard Confessional
Gladys Knight
Howie Day
GreenDay
Jason Mraz
Pearl Jam
Blues Traveler
Counting Crows
Ray Charles
Pete Rock & CL Smooth
Common
Beastie Boys
Janis Joplin
Eric Clapton
Billy Joel
Elton John
Death Cab for Cutie
Ben Harper
Bon Jovi
Guns-n-Roses
Ben Folds
BoB Marley
Jimmy Hendrix
John Mayer
B.B King
Miles Davis
Bushwalla ( thanks to Mr. Mraz for this one)
Sting
U2
The Cure
Duran Duran
Ben Jelen
Aerosmith
Johnny Cash
Willie Nelson
Match box twenty

Maroon 5 performance On Last Call w/ Carson Daly

2004-12-09T01:37:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm pretty much stoked about the Maroon5 performance on the Carson Daly show tonight.. I will be attending the taping of the "New Years Eve with Carson Daly (MAROON 5 Performance)". Yeah, I'll be in a see of drooling girls who would give their right tit to be with Adam,Jesse,James,Mickey & Ryan. I have to admit that I myself, would give a body part to have a piece of jesse.. Wow!! I'm already seeing red. ***Drool*** mmmm, Jesse... Doh!!

Unfortunately, I won't be able to take any photos of the show because that would just be too easy. I guess they don't want anything leaking out before the EvE of the New Year. **Sigh** I have to respect that.

"Tourettes" or just a "Dirty Mouth" (Ramble)

2004-12-06T14:05:00.000-05:00

"Shitfuckdammitpisspisspissfuckshitasswhipecocksuckerbitchfuckhole"

You ever wonder about that? I mean, two people living their own lives. One (person A) was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, the other is just a regular jane/joe working for "The Man". When Person "A" starts cursing out of the blue, everyone just writes it off as a tic.. They say " Oh what a shame for person 'A'. That is a terrible syndrome to have, we all need to help he/she with this horrible ordeal."

On the other side we have the regular jane/joe. Their kids are royal pains in the ass,they're over worked and underpaid. Dammit, they need a vacation. . All some of them want is an honest thanks or "good job". Instead, the boss lets them know that one more slip up and they'll be replaced. So the regular jane/joe sits in their little cubicle cluttered with paperwork. They click on the computer only to see the infamous 'error' blue screen that only comes when messing with WINDOWS. They've had it, nothing is going right. This is the boiling point and there is no return. The regular jane/joe shots out of their seat, hops on the table and starts beating the living shit out of the computer, all the while saying "Shitfuckdammitpisspisspissfuckshitasswhipecocksuckerbitchfuckhole".

Of course, there is no-one in plain sight who thinks you have tourettes. They're not seeing the fustration, and they can give two bits a shit about helping. They all watch in terror as the computer is being beaten into submission. All they can say is "My god! he/she has a Dirty Mouth, he/she should get fired"

Damn you all...

The Guy who sits next to me on the "D" train

2004-12-06T13:18:00.000-05:00

He's "HAWT(ness)" with a book in his hand. I only see him on Modays when I make my transfer from the "N" to the "D" train at Pacific Street.. This morning, he kept looking at me as though he wanted to speak. Awww, could he have been as nervous as I was?

Jupiter One

2004-12-04T22:59:00.000-05:00

This past year has been an amazing one. I've seen so many bands perform, and I have to say that everyone of them had something great to offer. In November I came across a band that goes by the name of Jupiter One! To me, I call them JUPITER UNO! They are amazing in every sense of the word. These guys had me rockin' and nodding my head to every beat and every song. If you're ever in the NYC area, it's a definate must to see them perform. These guys originate from BROOKLYN, and they have some great energy that will rub off on the 'Lamest' person.

I had originally set out to support another performer that night. I had no clue who Jupiter One was, but by the end of the night, I couldn't stop singing the songs in my head. I became an instant fan that night. Before they enter the stage, I had asked Zac (Guitarist) if it was okay if I took some photos of the bands performance. He gave me the gohead and I snapped pictures after pictures while they rocked our asses off. It was a great night and a great set. Any and everyone needs some JUPITER ONE ! period!!! Nuff said!

Family Destruction

2004-11-29T03:52:00.000-05:00

Saturday November 27th 2004

So two days before I turn the BIG 27. My cell rings to the tune of Jason Mraz singing “You and I Both” the polka version. I let it ring for a few more seconds to dance to the tune.

I picked up. It was my older sister. Apparently she’s been trying to get in touch with me since the night before. So she started to ramble on about if anything should happen to her, meaning if she’s unable to speak, I should know why she has come to be that way.

At this point I was like, “what? What happened?” She received news from a reliable source that said her mother, (mine as well) is planning on throwing boiling hot water on her in order for my sister to move out. The source I speak of is my oldest sister Ann Marie who has been talking with my mother in desperation to cease and desist any wrong and ill thinking. Ann Marie lives in Canada with her two over active kids. She’s a single mom on medication for severe depression. Like me, she feels helpless in this situation.

We have all come to the conclusion that our mother was pretty crazy since we were kids. When I was 12, she had threatened to throw her three daughters out of the 6th floor apartment window. She went on to say that the best feeling would be hearing us splatter on the pavement below. WOW!! Tell me how you really feel mom.

What could make a parent think such things? Someone on the outside world would think that these kids she speaks so terribly of are terrors. We were far from it.

As a child, my sister Colleen, Emily and I were unlike the majority. We stayed indoors because our mom threatened us about venturing out the apartment. Her words, “I will kill you if you leave this house”. As a child listening to these words flowing effortlessly from her mouth, I believed her.

I couldn’t participate in school activities because it would have clashed with my curfew of 3:10 pm. We sat in this apartment, afraid to laugh, afraid to smile and afraid to move about freely. She went as far as to cut the cord to the television. She even upped it one by changing the cordless phone to a rotary, which she later put a lock on so we couldn’t use.

We were afraid of this woman, afraid to call her mom, afraid to touch her. We never disobeyed her in any way. We not even once had any ill thoughts of hurting her. She had us so struck with terror that I was even afraid to eat. I had this weird notion that the food was laced with poison. Who could have blamed me?

To hear what my mother had said in referenced to my sister, I couldn’t and wouldn’t put it pass her. It’s true, not all parents love the ones they’ve created. More like us (Ones whose parents seem to shun and dismiss with the drop of a dime) are coming forward.

When a child says “Mom, I love you” to only be answered by the mom saying, “yeah right”, it’s hard to understand why persons, who think with such hatred, are given the benefits of having children.

Because of this woman I call mom, I left home early in my teens. I adopted my friends and their families as my own. I seek out motherly advice from the elderly, and the only time I actually received an “I love you” hug, was from my recently deceased dog Sarge.

I can’t run away from who shares my blood. I can’t turn away and resume being someone I’m not. They are the ones whom I share my last name. I can try to deal. I “can” continue to be calm and collected in a personal society built on shame, anger and hatred. I seek an immediate family in the friendships I’ve made. Wanting to hear “I love you” from my mother is now something I know that I will never hear or feel. “Could this possibly be real?” I’ve asked myself over and over, and every morning when I rise, I pinch myself to see if it is. Ouch!!

So, with tears in my eyes, I told my sister to be careful. Try to get out of there for the sake of her 15 year old son and herself. Be strong even though the walls around you keep getting smaller and smaller. At the time, I couldn’t be there with her physically, but mentally I was trying my best to send some kind of signal to my mother to stop her hatred way of thinking.

My sister, though married, has yet to actually live a married life. For the past four years they’ve lived apart. Both of them trying to save enough money to live a dream. The truth is, they’ll never have enough money. The hurtful truth is that I think it’s an excuse made by a man who doesn’t want to be married. Either way, the outcome seems bleak for the pair. He’s renting a room in New Jersey and she’s living at home with mom. Who can see the light at the end of that tunnel?

In closing, when I was eleven, I awoke and went to the kitchen. My mother turned to look at me. There was no hello. She asked me if I had worn my new bra to bed. I replied yes. Before I could explain my insecurities, my head went crashing into the concrete wall. She has used a heavy frying pan to hit my head. My head left a crack in the wall that went up to the ceiling

Masturbation Vs. Procrastination

2004-11-20T05:33:00.000-05:00

Masturbation: Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.

Procrastination: To put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness.

I’ve been fighting with myself whether to write this or not. It’s not like women wear a sign on their head saying that they Masturbate. Sometimes we even go as far as saying that we’ve never done the “M” word.

I’ve always been a sexual person. I would take a lover and after a month of getting past the “getting to know you stage”, we would spend the rest of the relationship getting to know each others wildest and most deepest sexual secrets. It’s bliss, it’s factual, it was poison but the kind of poison that left you wanting more. A good lover would have me thinking of them for days on end without eating or sleeping. “HE” was like a drug. I would sit in my car and think of all the sexual things we would do. Sexual not just meaning physically, but mentally as well. He played with my mind, leaving me little messages on my phone. I found myself in traffic one evening. He left a message on my cell. While listening to his voice, my hand reached into my skirt. As I had realized what I was doing, I pulled my hand away saying to myself. “what are you doing? There’s no need for that”.

He was at home waiting for me to come bursting through the door. I was addicted to him, his smell, his smile, his laugh and the way he strummed his acoustic guitar. He was my food. When he came to me, he made me full, and when he left. He made me starve. Like in all relationships, painful but true. You are left either wanting more or having enough of that one flavor. I was left wanting that flavor.

I sought out others like him through out the years. Wanting to have that same feeling again. In between that time I became familiar with myself. Allowing myself to come to climaxes with the flick of a finger. It was enjoyable, it was safe. One night, I decided to meet with a few friends. As the night progressed, the conversation turned to sex. The topic of Masturbation was in full force. As I talked about how it felt and how most of the time, it just isn’t the same as having a man. One voice interjected. She went on about how it’s a sin to touch yourself. She made a fowl remark, “ If you masturbate, your hand should fall off”. Whoa! What a crazy woman. I turned to her and said that I’ve been doing this for years and my hands seems great. No signs of deterioration at all ( I waved my hand back and forth in front of her to let her see that it was A okay).

Driving home, I kept on thinking about what she had said. Could it really be a sin? I remember when parents told their kids things like that because they just didn’t want them to “spank the monkey” or “twiddle the fiddle”. She felt so strong about what she was saying. It took me a while to shake off her remark. I finally ruled her as a Procrastinator. What does she do when she can’t get any? Read? Come on.

So it’s been a couple of years since I’ve had a real lover. You know the ones where you feel comfortable calling them you’re other half, soul mate, boyfriend?. After my last one, I told myself that I would wait until I found the right guy. No jumping to sex. My reason. It became less fun and more of a chore. He was enjoying himself and I was left in the dark. I mean, where was the mental love making. Where was the quirky conversations between songs? I needed time away from the “ Lets keep the relationship alive with just sex”. So, I’ve had a full time relationship with Mr. Masturbation for the past two years and even though it’s not as satisfying as my old lover from way back when, it gets the job done.

Throughout the years, I’ve met many others who’ve shared their views on masturbation. I’ve also debated with the procrastinators who’ve said they don’t do such things, but get them behind closed doors and you will find a different person within those four walls. Hmm

The last lover I had, loved to watch as I masturbated. I guess some if not all guys love to see when a woman does it. He got excited as I climaxed. When I has asked him to do the same, he became nervous and said that he couldn’t. Why was that? I wanted to see him do it. It would have gotten me excited but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. I guess it dates back to the times when parents told their kids that if they do such things, their penis would fall off. Huh.

In the end. Whether you speak of Masturbation freely, or try to convince others that it’s wrong. The truth is that everyone does it. Whether they choose to admit it, or not.

Starland Ballroom 8.24.04 #3

2004-11-19T20:46:00.000-05:00

The Starland Ballroom
Sayreville, NJ
Tue August 24th 2004

So, who performed at the Starland Ballroom? Hmm, let’s see. Gavin Degraw, Toby Lightman and Marc Broussard. First off, how I came to actually be at the concert was that my sister called not long after the VH1 inside track and told me that she had purchased tickets over the net for us. I was happy and glee.. Sigh.. So I hopped on the train and headed to her house in Brooklyn. Not long after I had arrived, Steven and his wife came driving up and were ready to go. None of us had any idea where the hell Sayreville was. So we got lost on the way . Twice. One time, we had actually drove right by it. So we got there and headed to the back of the line. At this time, Joey and Gavin Degraw had stepped out of their tour bus. They decided to warm up for the show by throwing the football. I saw my opportunity to scream out Joeys name. I caught his attention and he waved and smiled and then went back to throwing the ball. So , Steven, Emily, Adwina and I started talking among ourselves until the line started to move.

There was no open bar here. The prices for drinks were high, but you could smoke indoors, which I thought was a big plus. The show started with me at the bar drinking a red bull. Who was this guy? I kept on saying to myself.. Marc Broussard had a burst of energy and a flare like Jason Mraz. What sound came out of his mouth, was a different story.. It was like a BIG BOOM. His voice was as if the greats of past blues singers had came back to life and had stepped into him. He was amazing. He had took my heart away with his voice. I fell in love with the man with a voice. As he stood on stage with his guitar strumming away, I was taken aback by his presence. He became one with the mic. As all the girls swayed to his raspy and soothing voice, I scattered myself all over the room trying to get pictures from every angle. He wasn’t the only one who caught my eye. For the past year, I have decided to pick up a guitar and learn everything that I can to accompany my music. I figured if I know how to play this beautiful instrument, I can one day pick up a Bass and strum to my hearts desire.

I looked to Marcs left and saw him. He looked like an angel strumming away on his Bass. His name was Calvin. Oh my Calvin, how do you keep up your momentum. With every strum of his Bass, he had hit a chord with me. For five minutes I stood there looking at his fingers, trying to process what chords and notes were being played. He was hotness with a Bass in toe. I looked over to my sister who I don’t think was really feeling the music. Ah well, you can’t make everyone a fan. YOU KNOW..SHIIIIT.

As Marc exited the stage. I found myself wanting more.. I was hooked within one set. There were two girls who were standing in front of us in the line before we had came in to the ballroom. These two girls became my drunken angels. One of them came up to me and said that Marc was by the merchandise area. I turned to look at her and the first thing that came out of my mouth was.. “Take me to him”. When I walked up to him, I looked him up and down and asked him. “Where the heck did that voice come from?” . He looked at me and smiled so bright that if there were any clouds in my life, it was lifted with his smile. We talked for a minute before a swarm of people came over to him. At this point I took the opportunity to ask if he wouldn’t mind taking a photo with me.. “Sure darling” he said with his deep southern accent. I was captivated by his smile, his voice and his smell ( he was smelling oh so gorgeous).

So, It was Toby’s turn to rip up the stage. She had one the cutest outfit and an awesome hat that I wanted to take from her. LOL. It was as if she was hiding underneath it. She strummed her guitar and sang out loud. You could tell that at some point, It was just her in an empty room. Though she was nervous, she pulled off a great show and I have to admit to envying her touring with Gavin and Marc. What else could make me envy her more? Hmm lets see.. That would be Gavin, John Mayer, Marc Broussard, DMB, Dashboard Confessional, Jason Mraz and Ben Harper. All in all, she owned the stage with her presence and sweet voice. I give her mucho props to her for singing the hell out of the Mary J. Blige song “ Real Love”. Go girl.

So, the moment that most if not all the folks in the room have been waiting for.. It was Gavin time. They turned out all the lights so Gavin and his crew can make their way to the stage. The crowd went wild, when the spotlight turned to show Gavin’s face. What presence he had. He sat down by his Piano and when he started to play, he realized that no sound was coming from it. So, he winged it. I snapped away with my camera as he pleased the crowd with his show stopping moves. He did one of my favorite Gavin songs “ Few drinks to fall in love”. No, it’s not on his CD, but I thought it should have been.. I’ve been there before a hundred times where I’m in a bar drinking and smoking way too much, when some dude from out of left field decides to prey on me. All I want to do is ask them to move away, but they’re pretty much the only one around. In fear of being alone drinking, I order up a round hoping the drink my troubles away with this guy looking at me as if the opportunity came up to go to Vegas and get married, he would’ve rented and jet plane right then and there.

So, Gavin stood up and asked the audience to quiet down for a bit so he could sing a cappella. Whoa!!! He sang Sam Cooke’s “ A change is gonna come”. You know that no one can sing that song like Sam Cooke, but Gavin hooked it up so well that even the old skoolers would have been proud. Naturally, when the concert ended, I headed out the side door.. There was no way that I was going to get involved with all those screaming girls with their hot pink belly shirts.. Ewww… Hey, I already know I’m a woman, I don’t have to wear pink every fucking time to get the opposite sex to notice me. I have big boobs for that one. LOL.. Anyway..

It was late when I arrived home. As I looked through my photos to recap the nights events, I looked at the photo of Marc and I. What a face, what a talent. I got excited just thinking about how it would be when I finally get my music up and running.. Hopefully I can perform with him.

Oh, about the photo of Marc and I. It was my desktop photo for almost two months.

VH1 Inside Track 2004

2004-11-17T21:18:00.000-05:00

August 16th 2004.. Roseland Ballroom for the VH1 Inside Track Concert.#2
Maroon 5, Joss Stone, Jamie Cullum and Keane

Who was there? Farrah (me), Emily (my sister) and Jimmy (Friend and Vh1 graphic designer). How could I possibly pass up a free concert that consisted of Maroon 5, Jamie Cullum, Joss stone and Keane. Holy donkey punches.. Not only was it free, It was Open Bar baby!!! Yeah. Drinks all around.. The concert was awesome. Maroon 5 did there thing, and even though Jamie Cullum did his thing, I was a bit thrown by how short he was. I have to say that he resembles a hobbit.

For a small person, he sure has a big voice. He almost had me doing the running man when he broke out and started singing “Fronting” by N.E.R.D. I was like, WTF?. But it was all good. He hooked it up Jamie style.

Whoa! I got to see my crush up close and personal. Tom Chaplin from Keane. He has the sweetest face ever. He looks like he’s still a kid, and that voice.. Good Cucamonga that boy can sing. I felt my heart melt with each note he sang. No Guitar picking for these guys. They do it , Piano and drums style. I was going crazy singing and shit.. I never did that at concerts before. I’m usually composed, except for that one Dave Matthews Band concert that I took off my shirt.. Don’t ask.. .. Okay okay I was high.. Keane really did a great job. I was in awe the whole time.

So, there was a brief intermission where jimmy, my sister and I took a seat and decided to relax a bit. We must have been horse shitting around for about 10 minutes when Joss Stone came walking by with her crew. She’s a pretty young woman, but looking at her, I thought she was much older than me. She gave us a glimpse as if she was a little nervous and then made her way to the stage. The thing about real talent is having the ability to sound as strong as the record. I found her voice prematurely sultry. She is still a young woman , and thinking that her voice will only get stronger as she ages. WOW.

She was on stage doing her thing when I noticed the brightest face coming towards me. How could I pass this up. I had to say something. So I tugged on his arm and asked him if he was Gavin Degraw. That was a big 10*4. He gave the biggest smile that lit up the whole room. I was talking to him when jimmy thought it would be great to take a picture with his cell.. Crap.. There was no flash, so he couldn’t get a photo.. No worries, the way how Gavin politely hugged me will stay in my mind for a very long time. He spoke to me as if he knew me. He was so polite, you could tell that his mother had taught him well. Boy, the girl who gets him will be by far the luckiest person. Gavin wasn’t performing that night, he was there like all of us just taking in the music. I made my way over the bar where they were about to close up shop. Gavin was there with his assistant and his brother Joey. I was introduced to Joey by my sister Emily. He was really cool from what I could tell. My sister and Joey looked as though they were in deep conversation so I didn’t bother them. I turned to look back at Joss Stones performance and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gavin doing the booty dance. Once again, he caught my attention. He’s got an ass. I mean a real ass. So real that he made my heart skip a beat when he did that move. Sigh.. WOW..

When we were about to leave, Joey walked with us out of the building. Emily and Joey were still in conversation, jimmy and I were acting like damn fools as usual. Before we said our goodbyes, Joey told us about a concert that Gavin will be performing at. I had my doubts about going because I had no money to buy a ticket, but I had a surprise for me a couple of days later from my sister about the Gavin concert. WOOT..

JASON MRAZ

2004-11-17T04:02:00.000-05:00

Live Shows of 2004 #1
The Beacon Theater

It was my first concert of the year. I went to see my favorite performer, well next to Dave Matthews Band who tops my list . Jason Mraz was finally coming back to NYC. After being one of the first in line to get tickets in April, I found myself on May 24th standing outside of the Beacon Theater with a huge box of non-perishable goods ( It was also a food drive). My sister, whom I thought would have made it on time, came a whopping 20 minutes late. By then, the opening act Makana was performing. He had a great voice but he didn’t really catch my attention. It wasn’t long before he exited the stage. Who came next made my heart skip a beat. As Jason lead this man onstage, I wondered who he was. His name was Raul Midon, and holy crip crap does this guy have UBER talent. He’s a one man band, honestly, he’s not one of those corny people with a drum strapped to his front and a piano strapped to his back. He’s god when it comes to the guitar. He blew me away. I got so emotional listening to him. Let me tell you why you should give this guy a listen. He puts so many guitarists to shame that It’s just scary. He lost his sight as a baby when he was placed in an incubator with high oxygen levels after being born prematurely. As I sat there hypnotized by his soul rocking voice, I closed my eyes and Raul seemed as though he was surrounded by a full band. The way he played the guitar, there were so many different sounds that came from that one instrument. I heard Drums, I heard Bass, I heard an Electric Guitar being picked and an Acoustic Guitar being strummed. How he made that possible, only he knew. I fell in love with the music and his strength to persevere in a world that counts on looking before hearing. When he finished his last set, I gave him a standing ovation, and so did the rest of the theater. He was magnificent.

A slight intermission had came before Jason appeared on stage. Since I was so close to the stage, I smelled the beautiful aroma of Marijuana. Those heffers were smoking the good shit back stage, and they didn’t even offer a negro any. The nerve of some people.. I always share the love when I’m smoking. Ah well, I didn’t really expect them to offer.

Jason’s voice sent shivers up & down my spine. I’ve actually had an orgasm just listening to him. It’s true. His voice is like sex.. Great sex that can only come by loving music too much. As he sang, It was as if he was taking me on a journey away from my chaotic life. His words wiped the tears from my eyes and lifted some of the fears that had plagued me since 2003. The new songs he performed reassured me that his talent will go on for years and years to come. He was the energy I needed, the voice I needed to hear at that very moment when the world didn’t seem to want me in it. Without him knowing me, he took me in with his words, held me with his music and had showed me that it was possible for me to follow my dreams. This guy from Mechanicsville VA, became one of the very few with pure talent, whose voice stole my heart, and took it for a ride. One song in particular had hit close to home. It’s called “Absolutely Zero”. The break up of my X and I, had left me feeling jilted. We both were too young to carry such a big relationship. We started out as friends, only to one day cross the line where friends stopped and became lovers. Only one of us knew the consequences but were too afraid to voice the opinion. We lived together for a over a year and even though the signs were there, I chose not to acknowledge them. He hid me from his family, as if he were ashamed of me. I was good enough for him behind closed doors, but I was not the right color for him to show affection to in the open. No matter what I did, he couldn’t bring himself to show me to the world. I became a secret, trapped within a box, inside his heart. By the time I had the courage to see that he selfishly took my love without showing any in return, It was too late. We were strangers locked in an apartment, we no longer shared words, he no longer held me, and he couldn’t look me in the eyes. I was no longer his comic relief when he felt down. One night it became apparent that he no longer held me because he had someone else to hold. Unlike me, he showed her affection in public, said sweet nothings in her ear and introduced her to his family. I took my leave from Florida and boarded a plane back home to NYC.

On the plane ride home, I couldn’t cry. I did a lot of thinking though. I blamed myself for this relationship. I invited him into my heart with the expectations of getting back the affection that I gave. Deep down inside I knew the consequences of this. Why did I kiss him that night that took us from friends to lovers. I don’t know. I was looking for something that he couldn’t give me. Love. In the end I couldn’t blame him for the events that happened. Though I would love to turn back time to stop that life altering kiss, I can’t. I move forward, back to NYC with a clean slate. So there I was, sitting in row CC seat 3 at the Beacon, listening to Jason sing a song that I knew all too well. It was a walk down memory lane and it was hard to keep my emotions at bay, but I did.

I left the concert feeling as if Jason gave a piece of himself to everyone that attended. I felt privileged to have been there. I hope that sometime in the future, I can thank him for helping me.

Fucking Lip-Synching .. Sucks right?

2004-11-15T16:47:00.000-05:00

"Given that it's been blown wide open that Ashlee Simpson lip-synchs, a New York group is offering her fans the chance to try what they feel is "real" music.

HOPE, or Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment, is giving people who bought Simpson's album the chance to turn it in for what it calls "one of a higher entertainment quality."

Fans who bring the disc to New York's Knitting Factory can trade it in for one by Elvis Costello, The Ramones, X, Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, Aretha Franklin, Ray Charles, The Grateful Dead, Joni Mitchell or Brian Wilson.

The 19-year-old singer was busted for a "Saturday Night Live" lip-synch gone awry, with her manager-father saying that his daughter used the extra help because acid reflux disease had made her voice hoarse.

Joe Simpson added that she's never used the extra help before.

If you're not in New York, you can still get in on the deal by checking out www.HopeInAmerica.com"

What the hell? See, this is what happens when you fail to have real talent.. They are selling these sappy fucks (though catchy tunes)with their in the studio made voices and sassy looks. As if I haven't heard great talent who just can't seem to make it in the industry. I'm left with this bitter taste of "I told you so" in my mouth. I knew it all along. I can't say that she should have stuck to acting, either she needed more training or she simply couldn't pull that off. Who suffers in the end? she does. If I could, I would make it my civil duty to bitch slap everyone in that family with a blue DILDO... Hell Yeah, I said it dag nammit

The weekend of all weekends

2004-11-08T19:54:00.000-05:00

The weekend started off pretty well. Unfortunately it didn’t last. My mom tripped out on my sister .. Long story and I find it kind of pointless to explain something that simply can’t be explained ( But I will try ). I think they will both be better off talking to each other instead of speaking “at” each other. It’s sad when Mother and Daughter are at war. It’s even harder to be the median in the situation.

Sooooo.

Older sister calls youngest sister, (whom might I add, have been pretty much stress free for 48 hours and counting) saying that mom has lost her mind. All that runs through my mind was, “what, You just realized that?” . Older sister tells baby sister that mom has stepped to her saying to pack her things and leave. This time, mom was more verbal by saying “Get the Fuck out of my house”.. This time was different. As older sister told baby sister about the situation, it was hard to see it going any other way than it did. The path was paved years ago, when mother and daughter lived in the same house without exchanging words. My sister is married. She’s been married for almost three years. Yet, both her and her husband (who is a great person) live in different places. My sister and her husband both thought it would have been best for her to stay with my mother until they both got their bills situated.

So they have been living in separate places since the day they were married.. I didn’t think it was healthy and neither did everyone else who knew the situation. Though, I could not judge her because I’m not the one to judge.

Monday morning arrived. I popped in to say hello to my mother. She, not knowing that my sister had already told me her side of the story, went on to tell me what had happened. Even though the stories were very similar, both sides depicted the other as being verbally abusive, almost to the point of getting physical. She asked if I already heard the story, I said no. At this point I came to the conclusion that even though you’re older and you’re supposed to be wiser, you can still find yourself in a situation where you feel like a child. Helpless and afraid of the unknown.

Should I also add that my sisters husband called to tell me his side of the story? Oy! What else should I say? He went on to say that my mother had originally addressed him and my sister decided to jump into it. Of course I can understand why she jumped in, she tried to protect him. But he, being a man felt somewhat incompetent. It was already bad that my mother was making him feel like he couldn’t provide for my sister. When she decided to step in, it made him feel less of a man. Of all the times he told her that they should get serious and find a place. My sister wanted to be hard headed and kept on saying that she will move when she’s ready. It’s as if she can’t live without the feeling of being a victim.

It’s hard for me to try and reassure all parties that are involved. I can’t tell them that it will be okay, that would be a lie. I started to be a Therapist to both. My questions where “What are you feeling about the situation?” “How can you make this better?” & “Visualize yourself in the others position”..

For some time now, It has been that way. I’m not a sister or daughter to them. Just a therapist. I’ve put my feelings aside for both and have removed myself from the picture. To hear my mother speak words of hate about her own daughter makes me question why. Why did she have children to begin with? Why was she so selfish to have brought someone in this world whom she can’t love. Because of this, I’ve questioned how much I’m actually worth to her. Should I feel that she will someday look at me as a stranger. Should I duck and run while she still has feelings for me. It’s hard to think that love fades, but it does. It’s even harder to think that a parent to harbor such hate, but it goes to show that nothing is guaranteed. Not even love.

To make matters worse. I found out that the nasty accident that killed two people on the Florida Turnpike, had hit closer to home than I though. My friend Karen, who was the nicest person you’ll ever meet. Was not feeling well on the way home from dropping off someone at the ft. Lauderdale airport. She thought that she would pull over and just try to feel better. She passed out before she could. Her car was going too fast. I’m devastated and can’t seem to show emotion. It just seems surreal. Like life stopped to play a trick on me. Only to find out that it was no trick. It actually did happened.

I love all my friends.. Losing one is like losing a part of myself. Knowing that from now on, the only thing I will have are memories. Things that happen in my everyday life that I once rushed home to tell that person, now lays dormant in a vacant spot in my head. I feel lost.. Each friend means something to me and losing one hurts more than anything. When you’re no longer apart of this world, you can’t overcome a rear case of cancer, you can’t get a “get well card”, you can’t take another step, another bite of your favorite food, another hug, your smile is just a memory, your laugh gets harder to hear as time goes by. The money you’ve made can’t buy your way back even though I would love to see your smile again. I miss her already, I miss her colorful ways ( My colorfulness could not compare to hers).

Karen Barrett-Perryman was the person that if you’ve felt like you’ve failed in some way, she would find a way to make you feel as if you’ve won the greatest medal. She was the mother of two, the sister of many and the back bone of happiness. She never allowed life to swallow her. She comes to mind when I hear the phrase “Take it easy”. You never felt left out when you’re in her presence. Everyone became her family. She left a print in my heart that will never be forgotten.

Halloween 2004 didn’t bring me tricks or treats. If anything, It took a treat ( Karen Barrett) that day when it decided to play a trick.

Vote Today & Be Heard

2004-11-02T14:45:00.000-05:00

20,000 loud. I voted today and I felt proud to do so. This was my first time voting and thinking that 2004 would be the year when everyone, Young and Old would rush to the polls to be heard. It was 11a.m when I ventured out to cast my vote.. My anticipation of a long line was easily dismissed as there was no wait at all. I walked in thinking that the gym would be packed with anxious voters, but it wasn’t. There were about 15 voters the least standing in line awaiting their turn.

My heart was pounding. Hearing all the horror stories of voting mishaps made me almost ill. Like waiting to perform on stage, my heart was beating faster as I got closer to the booth. The night before I had asked my mom if she was ready for the big day. Her reply made me disappointed. She said that she forgot to register. I wondered if it was her lack of remembrance or just laziness that came over her. Some may think that since so many others had registered this year, it wouldn’t make a difference if they did. These are the people who wanted to answer the questions in class but were too lazy or afraid to raise their hand. They depended on others to be the bigger person.

I come from a big West Indian family where almost all are American Citizens. American Citizens who aren’t registered to vote. As I walked away from the polls feeling satisfied with the decision I’ve made. I thought about my family. Why is it that I’m the only one who’s registered to vote in my family? My older sister stands by her decision to not be registered because it’s against her religion. As if this couldn’t be more of a retarded decision on her part. Whether you’re religious or not, the future of where you live and pray does get affected by voting. She feels as if she and her congregation is exempt and dislocate from the United States, as if closing her eyes would make everything go away. How can a 35 year old woman with a 15 year old child be so naïve?

I made my decision based on my experiences these past couple of years. How it affected me and what my decision can do to help. I am currently a 20 something who can’t find a job in her field. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs in school loans and I will probably drop dead before I can even see a doctor due to the fact that I have no medical insurance. The future of my Friends and Families all depends on the Nov. 2nd decisions. I want to feel secure that in the next 4 years, my nephew will be not subjected to losing his life in a war based on false answers and vindictive purposes.

These past four years has seen major job loses, countless of U.S. soldiers dieing and the mockery of the person who’s leadership skills have been questioned since the day a recount was ordered. Whether we have questioned president Bush’s real qualifications or John Kerry’s intentions if he should win, most do agree that things haven’t been going right the past four years. Some have been lured into false promises and disappointing outcomes.

The truth is, since day one, each election brought future presidents who have come baring promises that never seemed to happen. I as a voter, only wish that this election will truly bring some most needed comforting for the citizens of this beautiful country, and for the first time, have some desperate questions be answered.

Voting is a big step, all of us who are of age need to weigh the pros and cons of what will happen in 2005.

Vote for a change.

ELECTION TIME

2004-11-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

Get Out there and Vote Nov. 2nd ...

When bad days just seems to get worst

2004-10-24T01:49:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to think that NYC is playing one big trick on me. I've been feeling really down lately. To add insult to injury, someone on the train tried to use me as a verbal punching bag. Being an aspiring musician makes you look at everything as a potential song. You can have a bad day and write a full two pages of music that captures the daily events.

So I was sitting on the 4 train, when the lady next to me clutched her bag in terror.. I looked around to see if there were any one who loked suspicious. There wasn't. After about a minute, I realized that I was the culprit she was clutching her bag from. That's it!!!. I've had it!!!. I've had it with the stereotype already. Gawd dammit make it stop!!!. Before a tear came to my eyes, I turned in her direction
and said. "Excuse me ma'am, but are you clutching your bag because of me?" She spun her head around so quickly that I heard her neck crack. She then replied. "yes, you people change with the weather. I don't care how you "all" try to change your appearances. You are "all" the same to me".. WTF?

I knew that me trying to reassure this woman would just back fire. I can't argue with an elder. It's just not in my heart to. I'm sure she's seen quite a lot in her long years here. If I would have said what I wanted to, she would have probably pressed the button and had polices swarming all over the 59th street train station when the train came to a halt. What could I say to her to make her feel better about sitting next to me? All the seats were taken and I was stuck with this elderly woman clutching her bag out of sheer terror of "ME".

As I got up from my seat and walk to stand by the door, these ladies parted way to make and extra seat for me on the other side of the car. Apperantly, everyone was listening in on the conversation that just took place. As I sat next to these ladies, I put my head in my hands and started crying silently, away from the strangers who were looking at me.

I thought of my 15 year old nephew who holds so much promise, who looks up to me as a mentor. I don't think that the thought crossed my moms mind that I would be faced with this in 2004. It's hard to not think that my nephew would be faced with this also. A young black man trying to do what's right in the world, would be rediculed by others who fails to see the great in him. If I can lock us up both in a bubble, away from the racism, away from all the hurt that has plagued us through out the years. I would. So this is my prayer to GOD.

God?
Are you there?
It's me, Farrah again.
I hope that I'm not bothering you, but I need you tonight, more than any other night. I need your help god. I need for you to let people see that the hate they hold spills onto the innocents of the world. The clowds are blackened with hatred. I know that others have prayed to you with similar pleas and maybe mine is the millionth one tonight. This prayer is for my nephew, not me. Lord, please protect him. Please bless him with a long fruitful life. Please continue to steer him in the right path. Please reassure him that It's okay to be black in such a racist world. He shows promise lord. He's one of the most friendliest people you will ever meet. He has the most beautiful smile you'll ever see and even though he doesn't know his father, it hasn't dampered the hopes and promises in his eyes. Lord, if he comes face to face with pain, please divert it from him and cast it onto me. If he is faced with death, take my life instead. I love him more than anything or anyone in this world. Please lord, protect him from what plagues this earth.

Thank You lord.

Your child,
Farrah

Jenny & Olive Keene

2004-10-22T03:03:00.000-04:00

http://www.jennykeene.com/ Please copy and paste web address in Browser

I don't know Jenny personally, but I wanted to put this out there for all to read.. She has the most adorable dog name Olive keene.. Olive was in a hit and run accident a couple of days ago. Now, Olive is faced with surgery and Jenny needs all the help she can get from any of us who can. If You have ever had a family member who was seriously injured, you would want to know that not only friends and family cares, but Strangers do aswell.

Sometimes we're faced with situations we can not deal with alone. We need others to help us through it. Olive & Jenny needs all the help they can get. So please help out.

"There are two things that makes our hearts soar. 1. Falling in love 2. Helping others.. especially when it's a perfect stranger"

My thoughts and prayers are with both Jenny and Olive.. WWW.JennyKeene.com

What!?! No Way!!!

2004-10-18T04:54:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting in the (2) train a couple days ago just minding my own business. Okay Okay I was picking my nose.. I know that I'm suppose to be lady like but come on.. Sometimes you just need to Pick the fuck out of it.. You know?

I'm in my own world as always. I'm not paying attention to my surroundings at all. When I got on the train it was empty.. I mean EMPTYYYY... No one but me. A car to myself.. So why not pick my nose.. I was digging for gold.. My eyes closed, the mp3 blaring in my ears.. It was heaven.

"Hey! How long have I been on the train"?

The questions were starting to flood my mind and I was having a conversation with myself.. Huh!!!

"Did anyone get on since I closed my eyes?"
"should I look to see?"
"No... don't look.. Maybe someone is looking at me rightnow"
"Okay, don't freak out. Just slowly remove the finger from the nose and slowly open your eyes".
"But what if someone is watching me? What the fuck should I do?"
"Just open your eyes and get it over with"..
"okay, I'm going to count to three.. 1.....2.....3.....open"

The car was almost filled with strangers.. All of them looking at me.. Well, should I be embarrassed? I looked at the scrolling marquee to see what stop was next.. Shit!!! I'm not even close to mine.. 125th street is next... That's a long way from my stop.. Fuck it!! I'm getting off this train.. I can't take the stares any more..

So I hopped off the train at 125th and got onto the (3) train.. This time I made sure to keep my eyes open.. I didn't resume picking my nose though.. It kind of freaked me out when I saw everyone staring at me.. Fucking freaks....

Past Relationships are so hard to do

2004-10-13T13:33:00.000-04:00

I spoke to the ex.. What is it that makes you think that life for the other person just wouldn't be complete without you in it? As if they were alone before you popped into their lives. I've made the mistake a couple of times to try a second time around with a failed relationship, just to find out that this person was all wrong for me. Or I was wrong for him.. In our minds we feel that we are probably the best thing that has ever happened to the other person.. Subconteously, we know that we are not perfect and that they have or will soon in the future find the right person for them. The right person just isn't us..

Why do we try to show off our "newer selves" to the ex.. As if we are saying "Look, this is the new and improved me, do you want me back"? .... It's useless.. Honestly.

I've come to the conclusion that love simply does not exist. No one will love you the way you specifically want them to.. You contour your life to fit others and in the end all you want them to see is the real you. At that point they don't know who the real you are and it just goes downhill.. The realistic part of me just wants to meet a guy and in the same day, start a relationship, skip right to the breakup and then go right into the uncomfortable-ness of being friends. A new relationship is like a plane ride. If you have a fear of heights then you know what I'm talking about.. You board the plane like you board a relationship.. You get on praying that it doesn't crash and burn. When you're in the air, you have all these thoughts that something will go terribly wrong. The engine will catch fire and you'll be hurled down to a fatal end. Like the plane ride, the relationship has fears that are similar. You step into one not knowing if you're going to crash and burn, having the relationship come a fatal end..

My fear of relationship have me putting everyone in the friend zone. Protecting what's left of me heart. After breakups and cheatings, I've failed to actually fall in love and not think that one day this will all come to where I'm in a fetal position crying about how it all came to an end. As I walk these busy streets of Manhattan. I have my hands in my pockets and my head down.. I look up every now and then to see couples holding on to each other as if they will never let each other go.
I no longer feel sorry for myself because I can't have what they have. I smile and hope that they will find the love that has just proved itself to be impossible for me.

As I crossed Christopher street, I'm looking up at the sky. The weather is great. Not too chilly and not at all hot.. This weather is my favorite. I don't break a sweat no matter how many blocks I've walked at this fast pace. I'm singing to Mr. Jason Mraz and hoping that he has better luck in the "love" department. I sure hope he does.. This also goes for Gavin as I think that most of his girl fans just want to have him ( the Look that he portrays, not him actually) on a platter.. While the winter will hopefully bring them someone to keep them warm, I'll be playing Mother Teresa by feeding the homeless with sandwiches and coffee.. I did this in Florida when I went to Orlando for Christmas and found it very satisfying for my heart.

I'll resume my support of local bands and dip in and out of the pink pussycat to see what I can possibly buy.

Halloween is coming up fast and I have no clue what I’ll be.. I saw a commercial of Halloween costumes for kids.. They now have Pimps & Hoes costumes.. So some pedophiles can actually live out their dreams.. WOW.. Who thought of the Pimps and Hoes costumes for kids? Hmmm!!!??!

Okay, I think this is it for me.. It's been a bit random.. But that's how I am..

Until next time, this is Farrah.

This is what happens when your hero dies

2004-10-11T09:01:00.000-04:00

I talk so much about Christopher... I make comparisons to the wonderful job he did as SUPERMAN.. He was a dedicated Actor & Activist.. He will always be my hero.. I make the referral of him when I wrote about Dave Matthews a couple of nights ago.. So, Lastnight I was erasing some songs off of my mp3 player and decided to put some songs with a referral of "Superman" in it... At this time it was around 11pm sunday and as I sift through songs I came across. Five for fighting "superman", Dave Matthews band "Where are you going", Three doors down "Kryptonite", Remy Zero "Save Me" ( even though this has no refference to superman, it is the theme song to smallville which is about a younger superman).. This seems to happen all the time.. When I have this brain storm to do something creative.. So,I loaded these songs to pay homage to a superhero that made me feel secure.. I never would have thought that monday would have had the bad news of Christopher Reeve untimely death.. I remember when something similar happened at 4a.m on 9/11/2001.. I had just moved to Florida and I needed money really badly.. So my uncle told me to meet him in West palm beach to pick up some money.. It was around 1a.m in the morning when I went to meet him.. When I came home it was around 3:30 a.m 9/11/01.. I didn't really feel sleepy so I put in a tape of "Independence day" and started to watch it.. It got to the part where the ship was about to blow up the Empire State Building, that's where I paused it and went to sleep.. When I awoke in the morning; the television was still on but the vcr had shut off by itself.. I said to myself.. "Wait? when did they blow up the Twin Tower in this movie? Is this a deleted scene?".. I was still sleepy. That's when I saw the plane hit the second building... My heart was beating so hard when I looked closely to see that it was the news and not a deleted scene from a movie..

We look up to actors portraying superheroes in awe when we were kids.. We even wanted to be a superhero when we grew up, but the cruel reality is that we bleed, we hurt,we die.. It took me a while to realize that Superman was just an imagination of ones mind.. It took me a lot longer to come to terms that Christopher Reeve was no Superman, but as imperfect as all of us are.. It's like a bad dream that just keeps getting worste as life progresses... You are no longer a child who thinks they can live forever.. Every year you get older, you realize that you're getting closer to being obsolete.. You're not immortal like you thought when you were a child.. Your pain becomes you're reminder and life seems more of a risk..

"SUPERMAN" by Five for Fighting
I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird…I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd…but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed…but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away…away from me
It’s all right…You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy…or anything…

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

I'm Ranting DAMMIT!!!!!!

2004-10-08T11:15:00.001-04:00

Ok, I will act as if I don't notice the lack of update from Blogger.. One of the known issues is this..."Profiles are not updating properly with new posts. We are working on getting this fixed". When It first happened I was like, Okay it's cool.. But it seems that I've been updating this blog since september 24th and nothing,ziltch.. It's October 8th, Two weeks since my profile was actually updated. I'm seeing all these other blogs being updated and mine and some poor sap in some other state are just pissed because it just seems that we are the only people it's affecting..

At first I thought maybe I wasn't publishing enough, But after publishing my ENTIRE Blog (which seemed in itself to be annoying due to the fact that it sometimes times out) a Bagillion times. Nothing... THis sucks. You really can't tell I've updating my blog unless you are possessed to read past my profile.. Hopefully this issue will be fixed before the end of this month.. I mean gawd dammit man.. I see all these other blogs being updated... Fix this fucking shit already....

~DMB~

2004-10-06T08:59:00.000-04:00

So lastnight as I nestled into my bed all wrapped in blankets, I had this thought.. Could I be worthy enough to hold a conversation with "The" Dave Matthews? As his music played me to sleep, I dream about days to come.. I would think he would be talking to me and all I can say is.. Wow!! As I'd be a starstrucked fool.. Would I be able to get out what I truly wanted to say to him?

"Dave, please tell me about yourself. Something that I haven't read in the magazines". I would pause to hear his answer and laugh at his response if it was funny.. I would pay close attention.. I mean I am speaking to my musical hero.. We would exchange words on our political views and I would ask him how he comes up with his songs and If he could rub some of that talent off on me.. He would laugh... Was he laughing at the fact that I asked him how he comes up with the music? Or is he laughing at the impossibilities of rubbing off his talents on me?.. Shit, I'll go along with him, humor him and laugh along.. I mean, I didn't mean it as a joke Dave.. Seriously, can you rub some of your talent on me?

It would be an honor to talk with him. To share a cigarette and visualize life from where he's standing.. I would hope that I would be comfortable enough to get as far as performing with him.. To share the stage with this entity.. It would be a musical masturbation. My hero comes onto the stage spitting forth linguistics so natural. I would miss my cue due to the hypnotizing music. Or would it be his smile? The death of me..
(He sings "I am no Superman,I have no answers for you.
I am no hero, That's for sure. But I do know one
thing is where you are, is where I belong")

( I look at him as a future mentor, to look at him
as if he's a superhero of Lyrics. I know that he
can not stop a speeding bullet nor leap to the
highest roof tops.. Yet, to me he will be
a Superhero of music)

When I was a little girl, my hero was Superman. You know the guy.. Blue tights and a red cape.. Then the 90s came. The 90s blew this music of folkiejazzyrock into my ear changing my musical hearing forever. It was mostly thanks to DMB. I still had my Superman, but now he was in musical form. He was a musical superhero.. As you can tell... For every year they are here... The musical power grows stronger, the followers grows larger. And lives that has never been touched by musical notes are forced to sway in unison. The once shy voices would rise in crescendo. It would be the greatest,safest sex ever known.. In the end you leave a DMB concert feeling the urge to smoke a long cigarette. Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Brr!!

2004-10-06T08:44:00.000-04:00

It's cold out!!! And you know what? I'm loving every bit of it.. It seems to be the only time I don't sweat like a crazy ass.. I always seem to have good hair days and my skin looks clearer when the weather dips below 60.. I found a grey strand protruding from the right side of my head a couple of months ago and almost freaked... WHAT THE HELL? Even though I was told not to pluck the bastard.. I went ahead and plucked it like it was stray hair from my brow..

Look, I'm not vain. I just don't think that you need to boast greys at such (ahem) an early age.. When my brother started sprouting greys at the age of 23, I had enough jokes then.. I wonder what causes you to prematurely have greys.. Is It the stresses of the life you lead? When one of my oldest sisters get stressed, she loses weight like mad.. I asked god why... Why god?!! Why do you give me the stressed out grey and her the great weightloss stress?!! why god, why? He replied.. "you take what you get".. I won't argue with him.. If he see it fit to give me these then it's fine.. Happy plucking...

Orlando Bloom & Kate whatever are getting married? Holy Crip!!!

2004-10-03T06:54:00.000-04:00

All I can say is.. DAYUM!!!!! Some, if not all the teenie boppers and their moms are going to hit the roof..Twat The fuck is going on? U.K news has confirmed that Orlando bloom and Kate ( I can't remember the name even though I just looked through the article) will finally walk down the isle next year.. Not once but twice... (aww how nice.. I kinda threw up in my mouth a bit just now) One will take place in Cali, where she is from and the other will take place in England where he is from.

I was wondering when this would happen and now it's finally here.. I will have to close my windows to shut out all the cries that will occur simultaneously by the poor poor poor teenie boppers. Hearts will break, some will even attempt to commit suicide.DON'T DO IT!!! Besides, if a guy has to walk around and dance it up with all the girls to prove he isn't gay.. Then don't bother.. George Michael did the same thing and look who he prefers these days..

I'm glad I'm not affected by this news.. The last time my heart was broken by a celebrity it was Dave matthews.. How could he marry without trying me first? LOL... Wait, oh yeah there is also Chester Bennington.. Yeah!!! My heart broked-ed when I found out he was married..

If I hear that Jason Mraz got married again? That's it.. I'll move on to ***GULP*** Drummers... But not before trying the bass players.. Can you say YUMMY?!?!

What Jason Song are You!!??

2004-10-03T01:14:00.000-04:00

I couldn't resist this. It's Jason Dammit!!!

Look who's holding the Mentos!!!

2004-10-03T01:06:00.000-04:00

THAT's RIGHT!!!!

5:02 pm

2004-10-02T17:02:00.000-04:00

I just sat down from cleaning.. Taking a break I should say.. I got through the dining room and the living room... I had to mop wood floors... That's the hardest thing to do.. When I agreed to help my best friend clean, I never gave it a second thought.. I would rather clean on such a gloomy day..

It's a little after 5 in the p.m and as I'm sitting here I realized that I haven't eaten anything all day.. The funny thing is.. I'm not hungry.. I guess that part of my brain doesn't feel that I need to eat just yet.. So I'll go on with my Diet Coke with Lime until my brain tells me that It's time to feed.

I finally finished my song which is titled "Groupie" at 4a.m in the morning.. Though I may not have the chords and Notes to go with it. ( That's why I'm so determind to learn the guitar).

So, I'm laying in bed and an opening to another song popped into my cranium.. While jotting down the words, I realized that it went well with groupie.. I sang my song from the begining and found the best place to put it..
As I closed my book I realized I've accomplished something in the early a.m. I no longer felt sleepy.. I laid awake singing it repeatedly in my head and Imagining the reactions of whom ever will listen.. The reason for this song is to let all the girls/guys out there knows that it's okay to be a groupie, even if others give you shit.. Hopefully soon I will lay down the tracks and give you guys a listen.

Public service announcement!!!

2004-10-01T23:47:00.000-04:00

Why are we so concerned with this poor girls life? If you don't know of who i'm speaking of .. Well.. Isn't it obvious? It's Britney Spears..

So the girl goes out and gets married to a what we all can tell is a complete LOOZZEEEEERRRRRR!!!! So fucking what !? Who are we to judge? We have all been with a guy who turns out to be one of those..

Like any other person, she is similar. She did not fall from the sky. She's still young, still human and still trying to shed an image that was giving to her by.. Well, You!!! The people who call themselves FANS!!!

So what if the marriage wasn't real?
So what if she's Pregnant (I'm not confirming or denying that)
Leave the girl alone to make her own mistakes..

Get some fresh-air people.. Be a bit more productive!!!!

Thanks

This has been a public service announcement from Farrah Phoenix

I'm Bouncing off the walls again!! Whoa!!

2004-10-01T14:18:00.000-04:00

I've been much into my music these days..Trying to finish songs that have been neglected by my lack of remembrance.. I've seen so many musical performances these past couple of months and I have to say that each and every one of them Motivated me to try harder and do better, for I too would like to motivate others..

I haven't figured out which direction my music will take but I know that I would definately enjoy the ride it will produce.. At 26 , I figure it's the best time to do something like this.. I've grown up a lot since my attempt when I was 16. The songs that would have made me popular in those days would have made me an R&B hasbeen these days.. Even though I still have the Rythem & Blues in me, I have adopted the Folk, Jazz, Punk, Rock, Funk and everything else that makes music come together.

There is something great that happens when you have writers block. You sit in a crowded room listening to various artists and most but not all of them becomes your muse.. Their presence becomes more like poetry and you find yourself expressing this through music written down on paper. I've been living in a place where almost everything becomes your inspiration for a song.. From the summer time crushes to your best friend(s) broken heart..

2004 will be a distant memory very soon.. At the end of this year I will be 27, an age that will instill in my mind that I'm long past being here a quarter of a century.. In Five for fighting song kindly titled '100 years', it starts at age 15 and ends at 99. Where your life experiences becomes just page turners in the mind. Life goes by quickly, more quickly with each year you're here.. No one is guaranteed a reincarnation the next time around, so we better start making something out of this one..

So, I'll leave you with this.. When you're sitting in your cubicle yearning to break free.. Do it!!!.. If you starve a little, but realize you're happy while going your own way.. Live it!!!.. If a job that used to slowly make you want to shoot yourself becomes a rapid everyday thought... QUit IT!!!!!! Go make your life worth living..

Sleeping to Dream : Momentary Setbacks

2004-09-30T00:21:00.000-04:00

Losing myself again... Having a nervous breakdown.. Be back soon...

Momentary Setbacks

2004-09-29T01:27:00.000-04:00

I caught site of this unbelievable t-shirt.. It said.. "New York Fucking City" on the front of it.. To think that last year this time I was trying to get over having lost my place in Florida, getting dumped in the worst way possible (will not speak of how bad of a dump it was)and oh yeah! Being fired from a job that seemed to controlled every other application that I filled out afterwards.. I ended up packing my things into a storage unit in Delray Beach, Leaving my car with my best friend in Boca Raton and running back home.. I lost myself around this time..

I did not know what was to come of me once I stepped back onto NYC Soil.. I came back feeling like the biggest failure ever lived.. Curling up in the corners of my mothers house and hoping everyone would just pass me by.. As if life would have been better without me around..

Life has a way of rippling along.. Sometimes you catch the wave and sometimes it swallows you whole.. This was one of the times where it swallowed me.. My life wasn't the best, and it surely felt like the worst. I felt like I was looking through someone else's eyes.. Reliving what this person went through.. It didn't feel like my life. It didn't feel real..

Life is much like a book .... With a soundtrack to it.. Each month becomes a chapter and each song compliments the feelings of whatever's being written.. It took a while for me to come back to the world of the living... I wasn't sure I wanted to. Life's Momentary Setbacks can take you on a journey that can either make you find our lose yourself. I chose to find and listen to myself.. Though we are not in total control of our lives, we are certain that we will have those times where life just seems unbearable and empty. Life will always have those Momentary Setbacks. Hopefully most of us who go through the changes will dust themselves off and try again..

The Wanderer is Coming!!!

2004-09-29T01:15:00.000-04:00

I can listen to him all day.. He has one of those voices that makes me literally want to slap your mama..

I for one will be seeing him later today... I am so amped... Holy fuck beans... I can't wait to see Marc... He's a great performer..

Shaun of the dead ROCKED!!!!!!

2004-09-27T18:45:00.000-04:00

So saturday, my best friend and I went to see "Shaun Of the Dead"... It's even funnier on the Big Screen.. I had to support this movie because even though I already have it... I've just been itching for it to be released in the U.S for almost a year now... Thank god they did.. I haven't laughed like that since seeing, Jackass.. Or was it half baked? Huh!!!! Fucking brain cells no longer work..

So, i've been singing this all the way home...

White lines:

(White lines) Vision dreams of passion (blowing through my mind) and all the while I think of you
(High fry) A very strange reaction (burns to unwind) the more I see the more I do
Something of phenomenon turn your back to come along cause white lines blow away
Blow, rock, blow
Ticket to ride the white line highway tell all your friends hey go my way
Pay your toll sell your soul pound for pound it costs more than gold
The longer you stay the more you pay my white lines go a long way
Either up your nose or through your veins with nothing to gain except killing your brain

Free (say rock come on ya'all) rock (say freeze come on)
Free (say rock come on ya'all) rock (say freeze come on)
Free (say rock come on ya'all) rock (say freeze come on)
Free (say rock come on ya'all) rock
Ah (higher baby), ah (get higher baby), ah (get higher baby) Ah (and don't never come down) freebase
White lines (pure as the driven snow) connected to my mind
(And now I'm having fun baby) high fry (it's getting kinda low)
Cause it makes you feel so nice (I need some one on one baby)
Don't let it blow your mind away (baby) go on to your little hideaway
Cause white lines (what do white lines do) blow away
Blow, rock, blow
A million magic crystals painted pure and white
A multi-million dollars almost overnight
Twice as sweet a sugar twice as pure as salt and if you get hooked baby
It's nobody elses fault so don't do it

So fresh so clean!!!!

2004-09-24T14:45:00.000-04:00

Like outkast once sang "Aint nobody dope as me,I'm just so fresh so clean. Don't you think i'm so sexy, I'm just so fresh so clean"

I was jamming to Mr. Gavin Degraw in the shower and when "chemical party" came on, I attempted to do the running man.. Yep! it's old school style for me in the shower.. Well it didn't go too well. I ended up hitting my head on the side of the shower.. Oy! There is something about a girl doing the running man in the shower.. We have things that moves about.. They are called BOOBIES!!!.. I could have sworn one popped me in the face...

Gavin and Showers mix... I come out feeling so fresh and so clean. Like his engaging smile, a shower brightens up your day.. When I listen to Mr. Mraz, I feel cool and calm.. He's got the remedy people.

This goes out to all the ladies... Think about Jake Gyllenhaal ... Actually just think of that scene from "The Good Girl". You know, the scene with him and Jen... But then that would be a different shower..

I'm not Frasier dammit.. I'm not listening!!!

2004-09-24T13:00:00.000-04:00

The one sided conversation..

Hmmm.. Let's see.. Most of us just wants to be heard, especially when we're in some kind of dilemma.. Like for example.. The whole relationship deal. We may have that one friend (or a few) that we confide in. Some of us just feel compelled to well; bitch.. "Why did he/she brake up with me?". Chances are you know why he/she dumped you. It's just that you're in denial. When people like me sit there day after day as if we have the ears that needs to be gabbed in, it get's kinda irritating after a while... Have you ever noticed that when you talk to a friend about the same thing over and over they can most of the time finish what you are saying? That's because it gets OLD!! It's not that they KNOW you all too well.. They don't care after a while.. It becomes a burden, like that wound that seems to never EVER heal, as if the invisible gun is not shooting you; Just stabbing you over and over again..

You want to say.. "Just shut up about it already. Every time we talk it's the same fucking thing.. My ears hurt and you're mouth should be on permanent restriction"..

Now i'm not cold or anything like that.. I feel privileged to be confided in, but gawd damn man.. Does it have to be every fucking time? Why can't we just check out the fine men that new york city has to offer? No, yet again my ears is being chewed off and assualted (& dammit not in a sexual way) because you feel COMPELLED to tell me your life story every time we hang.. I find it hard to talk about my feelings or what i'm going through. Why? because I don't feel the need to constantly have the world revolve around me. Besides, I like keeping my shit to myself. I can look at anyone and know that they have issues.. That's easy, everyone has issues.. It's just that most of us feel quite healthy not talking about our issues every twenty minutes..

Believe me when I say.. WE ALL FEEL YOUR PAIN.. So the next time you feel like bringing up the same issues as last week or lastnight... Just don't.. You never know.. The ear you've assualted (& dammit not in a sexual way) might just lash out at you..

What Jason Mraz Song are you?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Your Jason Mraz Song is	curbside prophet

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